A Word From Reverend Benjamin #5

gifpal-20130911214913Holla Flock!

A great big #sanasa to all of you and a word from two of our patron saints:

sanasa-parisNow, open up your hymnals to “Stole My Heart” and sing along with the boys!

Good, isn’t it? Did you feel an urgency in your loins? Same. #sanasa

To the sermon!

One of the only college courses that I’ve ever taken was a survey of world religions, so I’m basically an expert on all of them. Besides that, I’ve had a lifelong curiosity in religious art and traditions, though I don’t subscribe to any of this hocus pocus myself. You’d go crazy if you did. How can you walk through the Vatican and see all the gold and finery when people are starving? How can you go to church services that beg for money to build new churches when there are homeless people? How can you believe that stale crackers and cheap wine turn into the body and blood of Christ when there are finer things to eat? How can you spend your day listening for the Adhan when there are perfectly good naps to be taken? Boggles my mind.

Even though I don’t choose to attend church services for moral reasons, I don’t care if you do. You’re at my church after all. Back to my vast spiritual knowledge, though. I have always studied religion, have visited some of Europe’s grandest cathedrals, read various translations of all sorts of religious documents, and even wrote extensively about religious phenomenon of a darker sort in my first novel Terrible Miss Margo. (Someday in a bookstore near you? Do we even have bookstores anymore? You can buy it on Amazon.) I know a great deal of Biblical stories and today we are going to focus on that of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.

Rembrandt_Harmensz._van_Rijn_015Okay, I’ll just spit it out. I’m not saying that I’m the born again Christ, but there is a developing mound of evidence to support this. Let’s go through it, shall we?

  • We both have fantastic hair.
  • We both look great in a loincloth.
  • We both have a minor interest in woodworking.
  • My parents were going to name me Solomon, which means peace — what did Jesus try to bring to Earth?
  • We both think hookers are cool people who don’t deserve harsh treatment.
  • We’ve both brought dead things back to life.

True that, which leads me to the entire point of this sermon. Two weeks ago, I introduced you to Edna, a kitten I found that day in a patch of weeds. We were both rather fond of each other, but she had to go back outside. I already had two indoor cats.

I didn’t see her for a couple days, but I didn’t think anything of it. My property is massive and there were literally thousands of places she could be keeping herself cool in the overwhelming heat.

BUT SHE DIED! She had fallen asleep or had taken refuge underneath a tin panel that was propped up against a building and had literally baked herself to DEATH. Allah only knows how hot it got under there. I was absolutely devastated. Edna seemed to be a rather special kitten, but now I’d never know. Pa had found her, said she had flies all around her and looked dreadful. He tossed her out in the ruins of the barn where these sad creatures decompose and return to the soil.

I was rather depressed, but kept a stiff upper lip and all that. Kittens come and go here on the farm. Only a small percentage make it to adulthood. Imagine my terror then, when Edna walked up to me the other day looking no worse for wear, only mildly confused.

I backed away in horror, but then delight and held out my arms for her. She hopped gratefully into my hands and I installed her upstairs in my bedroom at once. I couldn’t let her go back out there to suffer dying again! She’s only got nine lives, after all.

I think it’s clear to you all that my powerful connection to the divine, being a reverend and all, was the reason that she was brought back to life like Lazarus or the daughter of Jairus (see what I meant about knowing all those silly stories?). What else could it be, Flock? She was very dead. She’s currently bouncing all over my lounge and driving me out of my mind.

Yes, she’s really a he, but I don’t care. I’ve never been bothered by assigning proper gender titles. Half they people I know address me by “Hey Gurl!” anyway.

This is surely the first of many miracles that I will start happening with frightening regularity.

Walking on water is going to be so convenient! It’s quite a burden to bear, though, knowing I’ll have to fight the Antichrist and judge all of you during the Rapture and Armageddon. Somebody has to do it, though, I suppose. Le sigh…


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