A Word From Reverend Benjamin #15

[This angry gesture is relevant to the beginning of this post. Also: purple hair, don’t care.]

Holla Flock!

It has recently come to my attention that my ministry is under assault. This is distressing to me. Why would people want to bring our church down when it only strives for the very best in life? We worship Beyoncé, idolize other celebrities, and urge the congregation to adopt kittens. WHAT CRIME IS THERE IN KITTENS? I don’t want to live in a nation with heathens such as these. Worse, flock, worse was that this attack came from within my own circle, an onslaught from within the family. I am disgusted by this and will not tolerate such abuse.

I have been told by this thoughtless sinner that I am not truly a reverend. WELL LET’S JUST STOP RIGHT THERE. I am a fully credentialed member of the Universal Life Church which is based in Monteray, California, which I’ve never visited, but am convinced that it is a perfectly spiritual place. After all, this is the state where one of my philosophic mentors lived and eternally rests, the marvelous psychic, Sylvia Browne. Bless her.

This perfectly legitimate church has deemed it proper for me to be representative of their group for which I am eternally thankful. This religious organization is non-denominational and allows the church members or church leaders to worship however they see fit. Among their maxims is the belief that one should do what one feels is the right thing. So, if I choose to sermonize on my close friendship with Beyoncé, I’m well within my rights. If I want to make Tom Daley a saint, which I do and have done, I am allowed this. Simply because a person hasn’t wed the Holy Spirit, spent years training at the seminary, or studied with Tibetan monks doesn’t mean that they are any less legitimate. If I want to officiate at a wedding and have a willing couple, it’s perfectly acceptable, just the same as if Pope Francis did. (I will write about Pope Francis soon, as I’m rather enamored of the fellow.)

So, while you’re perfectly in your right to speculate on the validity of my ordination, take comfort in knowing that it is perfectly legitimate. Here are some important lines from the confirmation of my ordination as the Honorable Reverend Benjamin.

Please note that you have NOT been ordained “by Internet” or “online.” The Universal Life Church is a “regularly established church or congregation” and all ordinations are done as the deliberate, thoughtful, and responsible act of a human being.

As a minister, you are authorized by the church to perform all peaceful rites and ceremonies of the church, including weddings, funerals, baptisms, blessings, and to preach, teach and hold meetings.

Now that this matter is settled, we can move onto an item of serious importance — the magical announcement that our universally beloved Tom Daley made, where he confessed (quite handsomly, I must add) that he is in a relationship with another man! Praise Beysus!

Speaking of our darling Queen B, she and Jay are going on a vegan diet for twenty-two days. They are perfect.

Let’s all watch the video together; grab a tissue.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking, and I’m sad to say that I cannot confirm nor deny a close, loving relationship with Tom. Yes, I’ve been to London several times and yes, Tom has been in the States quite often…we were both in LA recently, so think what you will, but I think the clues make the truth abundantly clear. All that I will say is that Tom hasn’t said who his boyfriend is, so feel free to speculate. (Please Photoshop pictures of us together. Thanks in advance.)

Because of Tom’s bravery and alarmingly well-sculpted abs, I have joyously conferred a sainthood onto the gorgeous Mr. Daley. Let’s watch some celebratory pictures and GIFs of him, shall we?