Why Don’t You #22

diana-vreeland-1

Monday:

Why don’t you dress in unseasonable clothing? It’s negative two degrees out today, but I’m donned in my springtime picnic finery. It’s heavenly, mainly because I’m inside and there’s no snow outside, so I can almost convince myself that it’s spring.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you purchase a copy of my reasonably priced novella, Haskell & Eudora, available now for instant download on the Amazon Kindle store. It’s less than three dollars. Coffee costs more. People have said things like, “You wrote this?,” “Why isn’t it free?,” and, “Have you yet received your Pulitzer?” Not yet, dear asker. Not yet.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you plan a few outfits with pieces in your wardrobe that you never ever wear. We all have about a hundred thousand shirts and socks we’ve forgotten about. Today, I’m wearing some strange yellow plaid shirt. Lord only knows where it came from. It needs a tailor like I need air to breathe, but it’s nice to wear something different.

Thursday:

Why don’t you pick up an artisan trade like bookbinding or leather tooling? You may never need to bind a book in your life, but why not learn how? What fun it might be to make a scrapbook. I don’t enjoy scrapbooking itself, but I’ve always found the books to be handsome enough. When you’re a competent leather tooler, you can make wallets and bags and maybe even shoes!

Friday:

Why don’t you visit your local animal shelter and adopt a new friend? There is nothing greater than the love you get from a pet. If you’re a person who dislikes animals or pets, please get the F**K off my website and never return; I don’t have time for assholes like you.

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