Monday:

Why don’t you take a day or two to fix up your shoes? I don’t know anybody who regularly brushes or polishes their footwear, and I think that’s awfully silly. If your shoes are scuffed or marred with patches of dried mud and other debris, I will think lesser of you. Turn on the television and polish!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you go out and get a cosmetic procedure that you’ve always wanted? Stop letting society judge you and go for it. If you want a new nose, it’s only a credit card swipe away. I want a Brazilian Butt Lift. They suck fat out of your abdomen and pump it into your ass. Fabulous.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you plant a row of peach trees in your yard? It’ll take some years, but eventually you’ll be able to feast on your harvest and make cobblers and pies and wine and juice. Better yet, you can devour the fruit straight off the tree and revel in your bucolic glory.

Thursday:

Why don’t you follow your dreams and go to the hair salon and get yourself a fabulous new color? This is advice that I haven’t followed myself, mind you, but it’s only a matter of time before my hair is a dashing purple. I think purple or lavender hair is the very end. Nobody says that old-fashioned phrase anymore.

Friday:

Why don’t you fix up an old shed on your property or a junk room in your house into a guest room and then rent it out on AirBNB? If you live in the right areas, this could be a gold mine for you. And if not, even the occasional rental will slowly earn you some extra cash for a Burberry trench.