Monday:

Why don’t you go on Amazon and spend a few dollars on novels by independent authors? It takes a bit of weeding to find something worth reading in the world of self-published literature, but you can often find a gem. Besides that, authors, like myself, are absolutely delighted to make a sale and it’s such fun to get little royalty statements in your bank account.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you order a set of custom dinnerware with decorative gold touches and your initials emblazoned with gorgeous calligraphy? I have long been lusting over a set of Limoges china that looks like the stunningly elegant place settings they use in Egypt at the Winter Palace. I felt so damn fancy each time I took a meal on one. It’s nice to feel elegant. It’s not nice to feel like a peasant with a paper plate. Upgrade yourself, reader.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you put webcams all over your house to watch for thieves? This is merely what you say to the public and to the company you shop from and the installers, though. In reality, these cameras are only there to watch what the hell your cat is doing all day. Don’t you want to know?

Thursday:

Why don’t you go shopping for a set of nice wigs? It’ll be such fun to put one on and develop an entirely new personality. I’m rather envious that Wendy Williams gets to put on so many different wigs. It’s so easy to change up your style that way. Besides, you barely have to bother with doing your hair — what joy!

Friday:

Why don’t you plan a trip in the far out future, like for the summer of 2016? It is so nice to have a holiday to look forward to — one of the only things that keeps me sane, actually, and by the time your departure date arrives, you will surely have paid for the majority of already. It’ll be like a gift to yourself. Go to a new continent, reader! I have slowly been putting together a trip to Argentina, nothing official, but still such fun to research.