Monday:

Why don’t you learn to spell properly? I am routinely appalled at the number of misspelled words in emails I receive from professionals. This morning I had one from a professor, which threw me into a bit of an existential crisis. How can I look at these people as my superiors when I can spell better than them?

Tuesday:

Why don’t you teach yourself to rap and not tell a living soul about it? Then, spontaneously at a cocktail party or at a talent show, start spitting some lyrics and blow everybody’s mind. It’s always nice to have unexpected sides of yourself, after all.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you renew or apply for a new passport with a really gorgeous headshot? It may take a few tries to get it right, but having a stunning picture is so beneficial to your happiness. Then, order a stunning custom made leather passport wallet with your initials embossed in front. Maybe add your family crest? Don’t get nerdy, but be chic. Even if you never plan to leave the country, it’s nice to know you can jet off to Tokyo at the drop of a hat.

Thursday:

Why don’t you send somebody you loathe a package filled with glitter? When it arrives, your enemy will tear it open like the greedy bastard they are, and then, BOOM, glitter all over that bitch’s house. It’ll work its way into their carpet and they’ll never get it all clean. NEVER.

Friday:

Why don’t you whip out your credit card and buy yourself a new Saint Laurent outfit? Everything Hedi Slimane designs is flawless. Besides, you will feel so wonderful walking around knowing your’re in something gorgeous, designer, and worth more than the peasants make in a month.