Why Don’t You #62



Why don’t you begin acquiring a large collection of wigs in different cuts and colors and styles? I’ve been considering it for some time. Just think how fabulous it would be to stick on whatever one you wanted on your way out the door without bothering yourself for a half hour! I want bobs and long hair and all kinds in between. Especially lavender hair.


Why don’t you buy a cheap pair of shoes — dressy or casual — and spray paint them gold? It will be such fun to head out each morning in your golden shoes. I really enjoy gold. I would have been a very lavish ruler or aristocrat. I still think I am. Someday I’ll have my gilded Parisian apartment, and I’ll head down to the patisserie each morning in golden shoes — preferably by Saint Laurent, and surely not spray painted.


Why don’t you put a water mattress in your guest bedroom? I don’t know if anybody still makes them — I hope not — but they are rather fun to flop onto and feel like you’re sitting atop an Egyptian cotton covered ocean. This will surely annoy your houseguests and they won’t want to stay with you for too long. Who wants visitors for more than a night or two anyway?


Why don’t you start work on your autobiography? It’s always good to have a polished and exaggerated record of your life to leave behind should your yacht accidentally sink in the Mediterranean, you’re devoured by your pet lion, or wind up unlucky in a hostage situation. It’ll also make writing your memoirs much simpler if you wind up being famous. I’ve already titled mine, Wake Me When the Crocus Blooms. Get ready for it.


Why don’t you start a petition to bring back “Passions,” the greatest daytime soap opera of all time? It was such fun to go home after school and see what nonsense went down in that town full of crazy witches and poor special effects. I fondly recall a storyline where one of the characters was trapped in the Vatican like it was yesterday. We need more madness to watch.

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