Monday:
Why don’t you put aside some money to invest in the stock market? I don’t have any stocks, well maybe I do. I really don’t know. Either way, I think it’d be a delightful game to buy and sell shares of companies. That’s how people used to get rich. I don’t know how anybody gets rich anymore, clearly, or I’d be at the Cannes Film Festival this week. I looked into stocks, and you have to get a broker, and I don’t fully understand the process, but this is something I’m going to try out sometime.

Tuesday:
Why don’t you follow your dreams of having pastel hair and go to the salon? I used to fantasize regularly about having lilac locks, but I soon realized that this was going to take an extraordinarily large sum of money and time to manage. So, I let that dream fall by the wayside. Recently I saw an image of brown hair that had dark purple accents, and I was delighted with the look. I need that on my head today! Maybe sometime this summer!

Wednesday:
Why don’t you give yourself a week’s vacation from your to-do list? It’s so nice to not do your daily tasks. The weather has been atrocious ever since that tornado, or whatever it was, pulled down my favorite tree, and I am alarmingly depressed when the weather gets cold. I need to move, but this post is not about my seasonal depression or dissatisfaction with my geographic location. I have ignored my to-do list since Monday, and it’s been a nice change. Give it a try, maybe it’ll make your life that little bit more bearable.

Thursday:
Why don’t you research different things that people do with cremated remains? I don’t know if it’s unusual, but I take a great amount of comfort in ashes of loved ones. I have my grandmother in an antique snuffbox on my bookshelf. It feels nicer to have her…bits of her…instead of a moldering body in the cemetery. I do love a cemetery, though. I’m a firm believer in splitting ashes. A bit here and a bit there and a bit overt here. My beloved cat, Tiger, died yesterday, and though I’m forever heartbroken, I think I’m doing all right. Just trying to find out what to do with his remains. He was very dear to me, more than I will really ever be able to describe.

Friday:
Why don’t you slap people who ask vegetarians where they get their protein? I would never actually do this because I’m a spectacularly old-fashioned gentleman, but that doesn’t been I don’t have daydream fantasies. People become amazingly intolerable when they think they have knowledge enough to recommend nutrition advice. These people fail to recognize that those of us who choose a vegetarian or vegan diet are also immaculate researchers. We don’t become health conscious because we want our bones to fall apart. That’s idiotic. We experiment and learn and understand protein and fiber and all sorts of things. Besides, you can get all the protein you need from fruits and vegetables. People are just scared of vegetarians, so they choose to make us look like idiot hippies. It’s intolerable. Don’t be that way.