Being Ahead of Schedule:I am famous for procrastination. Everybody argues with me saying that they do it more often or waste more time than me, but I would argue that nobody procrastinates more than me. I procrastinate so much that I find myself procrastinating by looking up articles on how not to procrastinate so much. It’s bad, reader. Most days I’m frantically trying to cross off the items in my weekly schedule so that I feel I have a sense of purpose on the planet. That list is so dumb. I would be a mess without it, though… For whatever reason, my mind was a touch more focused than normal, so I completed a nice chunk of work on Saturday. No housework, mind you, that’s still rapidly piling up, but I finished my college crap. Spring Break is rapidly approaching and I don’t want to concern myself with deadlines and research. I just want to enjoy being in California, seeing my cousin, and relaxing. I like to relax even if I don’t know how. Anyway, it has come to my attention that if you don’t waste all your time and you are caught up on your daily tasks, you are left with leisure time. I suspiciously ate a croissant in bed Sunday morning instead of furiously tearing through a textbook. As I sat there, luxuriously in bed in my Egyptian cotton robe on my Egyptian cotton sheets, sipping a Breakfast Martini and munching on my croissant, I realized how divine life could be. I must work harder to not have to work so much. I think this must be what I was trying to get at in an email I sent myself Friday night in a ZZZquil induced sleep. I wrote, “If you work, you don’t have to work.” That only makes sense now. I’m like a philosopher when I sleep. I think I learned a valuable lesson.
Precut Aluminum Foil:
Tearing off a piece of aluminum foil is not at all difficult. It’s not an endless challenge like Saran Wrap. That stuff was clearly made by Satan. Why on earth is it so difficult to use? It sticks to everything. But this is not a forum for my complaints. (Who am I kidding?) I was cleaning my kitchen the other weekend, desperately avoiding my film appreciation class, and came across a box of precut aluminum foil meant for grilling. I was about to toss it in the trash, but inspiration struck. You see, I make a lot of bread, and then I freeze it. I have discovered that the best way to warm up bread is to wrap it in tinfoil and then toss it the oven for about ten minutes. Tastes perfectly fresh and it is magical. So, I really enjoyed using this foil to warm up focaccia and baguette and boules. I don’t really have anything else to say. I was just really sad to see the last one pop out of the package. Now I have to pull it off a roll like a peasant. But I suppose I will survive.
My Flawless Macarons:
It makes Jessica furious, but I still take a lot of credit for my macarons. I slaved over a hot oven for years tweaking recipes and formulating fillings. It took endless time and frustration to create the most perfect recipe for these French treats. I would happily publish that recipe, and I’m thrilled to see them for sale each week in Ames. I taught Jessica all the tips and tricks and techniques, and she has proven to be a proficient macaron maker herself, still needs to work on her piping a bit, but I feel comfortable working on other things and not focusing my full attention on them m. Instead I focus on having a good time with my best friend. What a blessing. But today, as I sit back and reflect, I feel so pleased. I still recall my horror at the first disasters I encountered making macarons, so to see how far they have come is like watching my firstborn graduate from college. This week we made the most gorgeous eau de nil colored macarons with a Moroccan mint tea filling. It tasted almost exactly like a scalding hot glass of tea from the Grande Mosquée de Paris. That is one of my favorite places in the entire world, and I was so excited with the result. The macarons themselves are stunning, too. I feel like I am on equal footing with my unmet master, Pierre Hermé. I’m probably just being conceited, but I was really happy with those little pastries.
When I purchased my new golden iPhone 6 Plus last year, I allowed the shop to convince me to add insurance. It only added on a little bit each month, and since the iPhone was ridiculously expensive, I was feeling extravagant. I was never entirely sure that it was worth the money since I have never dropped a phone in my life. Never. And so, yesterday, in jubilation for an early dinner, I missed my pocket, and my beloved iPhone fell onto a hard tiled floor. The beautiful golden chassis bent and the screen shattered. I consider it a blessing from heaven that the thing continued to operate. I didn’t answer phone calls, though, since I was concerned about getting glass shards in my ear. So, I sighed. I wasn’t too stressed because of the insurance, but I was leaving for California two days after the tragic drop. Miraculously, the insurance claim went through with only a little kerfuffle and a new one was shipped my way. I still had to pay some, of course, but far from what I had paid before. I need to get insurance on everything! It makes life less stressful. I should surely get it on the iPad Pro I just purchased. That thing is the size of my torso. Seriously. I knew it was big, but when I opened the box I was a bit gobsmacked. But enough of that. I am so happy that my new phone is getting here today and that I don’t have to go to some shady shop where they replace the glass and steal my identity. I don’t have time for that.
KILL ALL OF THEM! I don’t know what they’re always doing in my house. I have vacuumed every single one of them that I have ever found. I have resealed my windows. I have patched window screens. I have set out traps. I have made sacrifices to gods of every religion. I have cried. And yet, they remain, crawling into my bed and biting me. You didn’t think ladybugs could bite, did you? Well, let me educate you, my dear and darling readers, THEY DO. I think Iowa has more bugs per square foot than anywhere else on Earth. Maybe even more than the Amazon. Flies and spiders and little black biting devils and bigger spiders and boxelders and these goddamn beetles. I just want peace. In Europe, they don’t have screens on their windows, because this is no concern. Here, I need to put up like three just to hold them back. But they’ll find their way in. They always do. Those little shits. If I vacuum the upper level, I’ve got rid of them for a day. Downstairs, though, there is nothing I can do. WHERE DO THEY COME FROM? It’s been in the 70s for the past two days, and they are crawling over everything. One flew out of the freezer when I opened it. Help me. Can exterminators do anything? Do I have to do something terrible expensive? I’ll do it. I’m losing my mind.