Monday:
Why don’t you find some subtly spooky clothing to wear until Halloween? I’m currently eyeing a suit covered in skulls. I mean, that’s not subtle, but I’d still wear it all the time. I’d wear it to funerals and weddings. I’d wear it everywhere. I stumbled upon this whilst searching for skeleton costumes; why aren’t there sexy skeleton costumes for men, reader? I mean, the skeletons of men look pretty much the same as the skeletons of women. And I’m pretty sure I have hips meant for child birthing, anyway. Ugh. Gender stereotypes even for a bunch of bones. Anyway, cover yourself in ghosts and pumpkins and bones.

Tuesday:
Why don’t you be dumb like me and not plan your college education, but rather, take only the classes that seem like a good time? I’ll probably end up going for another semester that I wouldn’t have needed if I had planned better, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. If I had been more intelligent, I would have never taken those classes that I actually enjoyed like, History of the Civil War, Detective Fiction, or Cultural Anthropology. But I’m not all that bothered. Be studious if that’s what you desire, but I recommend just having fun.

Wednesday:
Why don’t you make avocado toast for every meal for the rest of your life? I was one of the ignorants, dear reader. As you well know, I abhorred those wrinkly fruits for years. I was offended when BuzzFeed called me an avocado. I’ve changed. I stock up on dollar avocados each week on my pilgrimage to ALDI and think up new ways to eat them on the drive home. I make omelettes and sushi and egg salad without mayo and baked avocado and avocado fries. And now I do avocado toast like some horrific Brooklyn hipster. I’m disgusted. But those bearded, denim wearing, indie listening, steampunk loving idiots were on to something. I make toast out of ALDI artisanal bread. I smear on some ALDI goat cheese. I too this with half an ALDI avocado. Then I sprinkle non-iodized sea salt, fresh black pepper, and Middle Eastern spices (like garahm masala) on top before drizzling a touch of sesame oil over it all. The experience is orgasmic.

Thursday:
Why don’t you make some popcorn like this wonderful popcorn shop I found in Turin this summer? It’s so easy, and unexpectedly decadent. I throw 1/2 cup of kernels into the air popper and then pour over a few tablespoons of really good olive oil and a generous pinch of kosher salt. I mix this all up and feast. It’s unreasonably delicious for what it is. Basic, but beautiful, and surely healthy. Gorge, readers!

Friday:
Why don’t you save ancient artifacts from the antiquities black market like I do on occasion? I hate it, reader, truly I do, because there is nothing more deplorable than the illegal removal of archaeological evidence. However, I will sometimes come across something at auction online that needs my attention. The other week, I found a collection of pottery shards from Amarna. (This is the modern name of Akhenaten’s 18th Dynasty capital. If that means anything to you, then you know why I bought them.) It just felt important to save them from languishing in a drawer or whatever. I only buy these things if they are coming from within America and have been here awhile. It makes me feel less guilty. These shards have been in America since the 1970s, so there’s no way to pursue their origin beyond what I’m told. I’ll leave them to a small museum in my will.