Monday:

Why don’t you find some weird new exercise routine so that you have a little fun while you’re miserable? I keep forgetting I have this ab roller machine that I hate, but it’s a unique and different change. You roll yourself forward and side-to-side and you scream about how much you hate your life, but when you’re done, it feels kind of nice. It’s more fun than a pushup. God, I hate exercise.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you download the TodayTix app and see all the shows? When I was in New York City last week, I used this fabulously simple app to see two shows that were in previews, War Paint and The Play That Goes Wrong, and it was so luxurious to pick up tickets at a discount without waiting at the box office. You can order tickets from bed, reader, and I did. It was such fun and I saw shows that I would not have known about otherwise. What a treat. I saw Patti Lupone! I didn’t even know she was performing, so I am obsessed with TodayTix. Download it immediately.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you recreate some of your favorite restaurant dishes at home? I’m haunted by this couscous dish that I have in New York City whenever I visit. I was lucky enough to watch it being assembled, and I gasped. The couscous was readymade in a big vat and stuffed into a styrofoam coffee cup and then slapped on a plate. I squeaked when I saw. I can do that. The couscous is studded with potatoes, chickpeas, apricots, and topped with a heaping helping of hummus. I’m going to make it this weekend. Treat yourself to the things you love, reader.

Thursday:

Why don’t you get your teeth whitened with the harshest and most awful chemicals that are allowed? And maybe some that aren’t legal? I assume the worse they are for you, the better they work. I want my teeth to be so bright and so white that people are blinded when I flash them. I want to look photoshopped in my everyday life. I want them to be so absurdly white that people will just assume they’re fake. That’s my dream. Live your dream, reader!

Friday:

Why don’t you go buy yourself a new car and luxuriate in the luxury features? Last night, I bought a brand new Mitsubishi Mirage, and I adore everything about it. Well, everything but the lack of automatic lights. That’s irksome, and frequent, and I don’t understand why they aren’t automatic. Is it to save power or gas? I dunno, but I do know that there is a touchscreen display and Siri talks to me and I don’t have to use a key, so I feel grand. Go treat yourself!