Why don’t you take a leaf out of my book and make a radical change to your look? Why on earth is that a phrase, leaves out of books? Did people once tear pages out of books? Is this back in the folio days? I need some kind of etymology encyclopedia. Anyway, I had all of my hair cut off, and though it was a frightful experience, I knew it was time. The reviews have been inordinately positive. I look young and fresh and new and hip, and I really couldn’t be happier. Somebody will have a wig out of my hair someday. That’s nice.


Why don’t you buy dozens of candles and put them in one room and light them all? While you’re at it, why don’t you pick up a hundred or so tea lights, too? It’s so decadent to have candles burning all over, flickering like mad in the slightest breeze, a gentle warmth coming from them all. I think it’s great good fun, a bit like having a fireplace without really having a fireplace. It’s nothing like a fireplace. It’s just fire, but there’s something so calming about a dancing flame. Invest in candles, reader.


Why don’t you plant a forest of monstrously large sunflowers in your yard? A few years ago, I  bought these fabulous seeds that grew to be twelve feet tall. I was absolutely obsessed with them, so I planted them again. Of course they were devoured by deer. I was gutted. I’m going to try them again this year. I think those big yellow blossoms are just devastatingly beautiful, and they look so good when they’re cut down and arranged in a vase. Grow all the flowers!


Why don’t you treat yourself to a brand new pair of shoes? There is nothing more elegant than buying a new pair and wearing them to work, even if they aren’t broken in and hurt your feet. But pain is beauty and beauty is pain and a sore foot is worth looking good. So, go to ALDO or Nordstrom or shop online or go wherever you go and buy shoes. Buy boots and boots and more boots. As the ever wise Patsy Stone said, “You can never have enough hats, gloves, and shoes.”


Why don’t you go to the garden section of any store and buy absolutely everything? I went wild with seed purchases this week. I know that many of the things I’ve planted won’t reach maturity because I’m a half-assed gardener, but I know that the pumpkins will please me as I walk by the long vines, and I know I will take inordinate pride in the mesclun lettuces as I make my dinner, and I’m sure that I’ll use the chamomile blossoms at least once, if they flower, if, if, if. Go garden, reader.

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