After many months, I’m back. Summer was decadent and glorious. Soon you’ll hear all about it!


Why don’t you have a large picture of yourself printed up doing something fabulous and hang it in your home to impress visitors and remind yourself of your past glories? I recently had an image of myself at Abu Simbel printed by Parabo Press. It is four feet wide, three feet tall, and absurdly cheap for the quality. I’m delighted by it. It hangs in my stairwell, and the towering image of myself and the infamous statues of Ramses serves as a constant reminder of my favorite nation and a perfect day. Do the same.


Why don’t you join me in my constant struggle against a reasonable schedule and take night classes? A few years back I was feeling rather worthless because I hadn’t gone to a traditional college. I didn’t regret choosing Le Cordon Bleu in Paris over a normal education (and I never will), but still I was hella poor. So I went back for my Associate’s Degree, and last night I began my first classes in my Bachelor’s. In a couple years, I should be a fully licensed educator, which I always knew I’d be. It’s all rather exciting, but these night classes have me worn out already!


Why don’t you spend your entire weekend slathered in coconut oil and lounging in a comfortable robe whilst holding a large glass of red wine? This has been my Sunday routine for a while now, and I think it’s exceptionally important for my mental health. The red wine is full of antioxidants, you know, so it’s for my health. My skin has never been softer. And I smell delicious. After a hectic week of rushing all over the place, nothing is more restorative.


Why don’t you go to Whole Foods and explore the supposedly cheaper prices now that Amazon owns the shop? I went with high hopes of getting an affordable salad, but it was just the same as ever, so I was fairly disappointed. Still delicious. Also, they were out of pizza sauce, so they used pasta sauce on their pizzas. ‘Twas peculiar. Actually, don’t go because that was kind of underwhelming. I also couldn’t find lemonade. I do love those salads, though.


Why don’t you go to McDonald’s and eat your body weight in French fries? I can think of nothing more deliriously delightful. I have gone through phases in my life where I’m a health fanatic. I’ll do it again, I’m sure, where I’ll count literally every calorie I consume, but for now I’m thriving and gorging myself sick. Maybe I’m one of those yo-yo dieters like the marvelous Janet Jackson? I love fries so much.

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