Why don’t you buy a mantle piece at a junk shop and put a dozen delicious candles beneath it and pretend you have a fireplace? Of all the things in life that I don’t have that I desperately want, a fireplace tops the list. (Aside from like…money, you know?) I think it’d be fairly grand having a roaring fire — or roaring candles — to sit beside and dream of spring. I’ll get around to this someday, I suppose.


Why don’t you banish Elves on Shelves? There’s nothing more nightmarish than this horrible tradition. I thank all the gods in human history that this wasn’t a thing when I was a youth a million years ago. What a terrible concept. You stick an alarming looking doll in various places around your home and tell the children that these demons are reporting behaviors back to the North Pole. This breeds a culture of fear and suspicion. How dreadful. I hate those elves. Just another source of paranoia in a scary world.


Why don’t you be cool like me and get an iPhone X? Nothing, reader, right now, could be more elegant or luxurious than carrying around the latest and most impressive iPhone ever created. It might not do much more than the usual phone, but unlocking it with your face is incredibly impressive. Also, charging it without ever plugging it into the wall is a transformative experience. I spent most of last night just setting it on the wireless charging stand that I bought. It is amazing. I love everything about it.


Why don’t you fake everything until you make it? This is a popular saying for a good reason. For people like me, cursed by perpetual procrastination, sometimes find that this is the only way to live. I try to achieve great things at all times, but sometimes you have to give a thirty minute presentation about Dutch Tulip Mania without ever reading the material. In times like these, you have to give your chances to fate. My presentation went great and I got an A, so this didn’t really teach me anything. Oh well.


Why don’t you spend the day drinking your body weight in tea and hoping it boosts your metabolism? I have been fabulously unhealthy lately. It’s been decadent and glorious to eat popcorn and candy in bed, but I need to fit into my clothes. So I’m going to need to find something to make me start losing weight. I read that black tea does this, so we  shall see. Regardless, I’m certainly going to be well hydrated.

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