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Why don’t you get comfortable with the idea that you aren’t responsible for anybody but yourself? I have spent many wasted years giving to people who take and take and take from me. It’s nothing physical, it’s spiritual, they rob me of my time and my soul, like energy vampires. I’ve recently come to the realization that I can’t help people who don’t want help, and let me tell you, this has changed my life. I’ve only really bought into this attitude for maybe a month, and if I can keep it up…well y’all better watch out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 


Why don’t you start shining your shoes once in awhile? While I was in Mexico this summer, I became fascinated with the shoeshiners. There was never one very far from wherever you were and for only twenty pesos they would shine your boots so well that you could see your reflection. It was addicting. My shoes were unsettlingly shiny. We don’t have these angels everywhere here in the United States so I had to shine my own boots last night. It not the same but it makes me feel fabulous. Shine everything, reader!


Why don’t you listen to one of the finest songs ever released ever, “Sour Diesel,” by ex-boy band member, Zayn Malik. You may question why a rather boppy pop/r&b track would elicit such joy in my life, but for whatever reason, I can hear the bass line in my left ear with the strangest clarity. You surely remember that I’m clinically deaf in my left ear, I’m not likely to let you forget. When I first heard the song, I thought I was hallucinating. I still don’t understand if my ruined hearing can just comprehend three notes or whatever but it’s weird. Listen and enjoy. 


Why don’t you save all the gift bags you receive from Christmas gifts and repurpose them for next year? I like wrapping gifts, but I’m inherently crippled by laziness, so I love a gift bag. I have been given some lovely ones this year that will be perfect for giving to others. You’ll save yourself like ten dollars and you can buy almost three cheap bottles of ALDI wine for that. It’s a Christmas miracle. 


Why don’t you stick oversized googly eyes on random things around your property or office? Is there anything quite so funny as an anthropomorphic garbage can? Or a plant with eyes? Nope. It’s always a hoot. I saw a set of these on Amazon that had a diameter of like eight inches, which is wild, and they looked hilarious on everything in the customer images. One person put them on their headlights — which seems illegal — but it was so funny. I was cackling. Still am. 

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