Monday:

Why don’t you make a big batch of cookie dough and freeze it to gorge on later? When I get home from work, I’m going to make some peanut butter-chocolate chip cookies. I haven’t baked in a million years. I haven’t had the time, but I’m super excited to use the incredibly delicious and unreasonably expensive vanilla I bought at the duty free in Mexico City. I might not freeze them and just eat them all. It’s the first day of Ramadan and I am starving. This fast is going to be insane.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you send a strongly worded letter to Anna Wintour imploring her to send a dress code or advice to future Met Gala guests? I was ridiculously perturbed by some of the looks that were served last night on the pink carpet. Bless Lady Gaga and her four ridiculous outfits, Harry Styles and his lace, Ezra Miller and his million eyes, Jared Leto and both his heads, and the others who knew what CAMP meant. I was ashamed of Rami Malek, which is a combination of words I never thought I’d write. How could he play Freddie Mercury so well and arrive wearing a basic suit with a statement shoe and a couple sequins? It’s a shame. We can’t let this happen again. Democracy is already crumbling, I refuse to give the Met Gala any slack. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you join me in throwing a hissy fit? You all know how much I love La Reina del Sur. It goes without saying that it brings meaning to my life and joy to my existence. When the show began to air, I could watch it live on DirecTV Now, but for some absurd reason, the channel that was carrying it is no longer airing my beloved telenovela. I have to wait AN ENTIRE DAY before I can watch an episode. I can’t deal with this. I’m losing my mind. This is a dictionary definition of a hate crime. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you remember that your life is completely your own? You are not the servant or therapist of anybody no matter what their relationship is with you. Birth does not mandate any responsibility and friendships don’t require obligations. I’m not going to lambast anything or anybody, but sometimes you have to just say no. It might hurt and it might feel wrong, but your existence and your own happiness is incredibly more important than securing that same joy for another person. You live for you. Don’t forget that. 

Friday:

Why don’t you loudly screech that Ramy Romany and the Discover Channel are doing a huge injustice to Egyptology? I could not BELIEVE the things I heard on Mummies Unwrapped last night? Who do I blame?? Ramy claimed that a cartouche read something like “I am holding the words of god” to suggest that Akhenaten was truly Moses of the Bible. This is complete gibberish. I spent hours (that I should have been asleep for) looking up archaeological publications on the tomb he was in and NOWHERE did it suggest this translation of the hieroglyphs. I’m far from fluent in Eighteenth Dynasty hieroglyphic translation, but the cartouches do not have anything to do with what Ramy suggested. I haven’t been so mad in years. This is a hate crime.