Monday:

Why don’t you figure out what my recurring dream means? All my life I’ve had dreams about multiple tornadoes in the distance, slowly and inexorably approaching my house in the countryside. They aren’t particularly frightening and the dreams aren’t nightmares, but they are tense. I never fear the tornadoes, but they always fill me with a kind of existential dread. I look out over the vast landscape and thin tornadoes are all over the horizon, sometimes dozens, and they’re always making their way to me. What does it mean? 

Tuesday: 

Why don’t you treat yourself to something you think is ridiculously unnecessary? I’ve been looking at countertop egg cookers for longer than I can remember. Why was this a thing? Who needed it? Who couldn’t boil an egg? (Turns out a lot of people struggle with this elementary task.) I finally succumbed and bought one, and it was so worth the twelve dollars. You don’t have to spend time boiling water, you just toss eggs in the machine, it’s genius. And when they’re done, it releases a sound like a demon being exorcised, so I’m a big fan. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take my advice from yesterday seriously and keep it close to your heart? Almost everybody uses chapstick. Anybody with good sense, anyway. I don’t understand why anybody would choose to live with chapped lips. It’s not like it’s hard to find chapstick. I decided to upgrade myself, though, and purchased a tube of Chanel lip balm that is a part of their new makeup line for men. It’s $36 and worth every penny. Honestly, gliding Chanel on my lips is a heavenly experience that I so recommend you try. Like the quote I read by Snoop Dogg last night, “Don’t cheat yourself. Treat yourself.”

Thursday:

Why don’t you get up early and enjoy a bubble bath? For reasons that are too lengthy for this little blog, I won’t get into why I’m so joyous, but this has been one of the best days of my common life. I woke at the crack of dawn, joyfully, and floated downstairs to draw a boiling hot bath and whip up a latte. I soaked and sipped and, good lord reader, that was beyond invigorating. Treat yourself tomorrow morning. You’re worth it.

Friday:

Why don’t you change up your laundry game and do something wild and different? Don’t harass me, but I don’t use fabric softener. I was convinced that it was full of unnecessary chemicals and left clothing covered in weird little oily spots. A friend convinced me to try it, and so I grabbed a jug without fragrance and gave it a try. My cotton shirt felt like it was covered in lotion, and that was weird, but I felt elegant. It’s wild.