Monday:

Why don’t you treat yourself to some new technological wonder that you absolutely don’t need? I’ve been enamored of e-readers since the technology was in its infancy, and it seems that with the Kindle Oasis, we have finally reached the ideal of what it should be. I treated myself to the latest model as an early birthday gift…well, really it was just a gift for whatever…and I am in love. It’s perfect. Beautiful and light and GOLD. And I’ve christened the device with a plan to read the entire bibliography of Agatha Christie. That should take some time but I’m living my best life!!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you join me in my journey to read all of Agatha Christie’s writing? I love little more than a cozy murder, which is probably why I love Murder, She Wrote and the Amelia Peabody series of mysteries so much. I’ve always known of Christie’s work, and I’ve long been obsessed with that wild story where she vanished at the height of her fame, but I’ve read very few of her books. As I work my way through them, I can’t stop cackling. She’s a hoot. Her characters are rarely incredibly likable, some of her protagonists are actually repugnant, but it’s still wonderful. You can download all of the books, reader. Read!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you send me a referral for the best place to get a couple of cute Botox injections in Des Moines? Now that I’m finally thirty years old, it’s time. And don’t tsk me or sass me or give me that crap, this has been an ambition and dream of mine long before I graduated high school and long before I was as vain as I am now. I just want to be able to have the Botox experience. I want to be able to say I’ve had it. I want to point at my forehead and fail to wink knowingly because botulism has frozen my face. Oh that sounds dreamy. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you go to every restaurant in the town you work in? If you live in a metropolis, this might be the goal of a lifetime, but if you’re in a small town, this is manageable. For my student teaching, I’ll be in a fairly small town and I’ve been trying everything out. So far everything has been crap or mediocre, and sadly the best restaurant in town is closed, but still…what a nice way to learn about the community. Give it a try. There’s nothing wrong with McDonald’s…believe me…but you can’t eat fries every day. (You can, believe me.)

Friday:

Why don’t you completely automate the lights in your house. I bought oodles and oodles of smart lights from IKEA and now if I want a certain light on, I just tell my Apple Watch and it HAPPENS. It’s an intoxicating feeling of immense power, reader. As I said on the first night with them, they made me feel like an obscenely wealthy oil baron yelling at my staff, but thankfully lightbulbs don’t have emotions, and I don’t have to feel guilty for my dramatic outbursts.