Why don’t you stop whatever it is you’re doing, quit your job if necessary, and go watch the limited series Alguien Tiene que Morir on Netflix. It’s absolutely not my kind of thing, not a single laugh during the three episodes, but it is a masterpiece. Two of my favorites, the incomparable Cecilia Suárez and the sensational Alejandro Speitzer. I think he’s one of the most beautiful men that have ever lived. And he’a flawless in every show he does. And not just because he’s beautiful. He’s gifted. He’s got it all. The show is tragic. It can’t possibly end happily, but it ends differently than you might think. I couldn’t stop watching. It is haunting. The director, Manolo Caro, is a TREASURE, and he just can’t do anything wrong. 


Why don’t you stay on Netflix and watch Secrets of the Saqqara Tomb? This is an absolutely cinematic documentary about the excavation of an intriguing tomb near the sprawling metropolis of Cairo. (This is an area that has been studied extensively but is still desperate for more archaeological work. Saqqara is famous for its extensive necropolis. It’s so large that it hasn’t been fully studied or even mapped. This landscape is always revealing heaps of data about all classes of Egyptian life, items that are essential to Egyptology, but it’s in constant danger from the unavoidable spread of Cairo. Horrifying stuff to ponder for lovers of antiquity.) Anyway, the team finds a sensational tomb that has fantastic art and lovely mysteries. It was well produced, insightful, and for me, it gave me tremendous joy. One particular moment was while two Egyptologists cheerfully debated the hieroglyphic inscription on the walls. These young people were absolute geniuses, the best of their kind, and it was a blessing to watch them at work. I gasped. I cried a few times. I hope they film the next season like this one. I need that. Or I need to get to Egypt. I miss it so much. 


Why don’t put anything that will fit in one of those ultrasonic jewelry cleaners? My gold necklace is blinding right now, y’all. My rings are popping. I feel like a new money flapper all of a sudden. Trust me on this, too, it’s the most fun you’ll have in weeks. You pop your jewels in this little plastic box which feels obnoxiously cheap, fill it with hot water, and then ultrasonic vibrations shake the grime and gunk from the crevices of your jewels. It’s absolutely disgusting when water turns brown. I didn’t even realize how dirty my necklaces and rings were. I’m appalled that I wore them out. I’m only glad I’ve only gone out like twice in the past year so nobody will ever know how disgusting my baubles used to be. 


Why don’t you watch Snoop Dogg’s New Year’s Eve special? It’s on YouTube for posterity, thank GOD! It was, I swear to you, the most entertaining thing I saw in 2020. Snoop Dogg hosted a holiday special intermixed with a random and bizarre promo for his new show. He was higher than he’s ever been, wandering through his compound, randomly rapping, stopping in the middle of songs for no reason to bop around whatever room he was in, Zooming with Martha Stewart, there was a different DJ in every room, the countdown to midnight was on the fritz, it was the very definition of madcap. There were endless technical difficulties. Snoop seemed to go into another dimension for a few minutes. Then at the end, a man swallowed a sword and dove into a pool, swam to the other side, and then pulled the sword out of his throat. I screamed. It was absolutely insane and I’m glad I was there to witness it live. I will never forget it. 2021 is going to be a thrill if we keep this up.


Why don’t you remember why you aren’t crippled from polio and stop acting like an idiot and get hyped for your Coronavirus vaccine? I wish I were astonished rather than just annoyed that there are people vehemently against the vaccine. I’m appalled by these morons. I have no time to waste arguing or defending or making propaganda, just get the damn shots. Let’s get things going. Chop chop. I’m bored. I miss the world. I dream about going for a walk in a mall for some reason. I’ll get my first dose the millisecond it’s offered to me. I already have a bottle of exceptional champagne ordered to celebrate whenever that glorious day comes. It can’t come soon enough.

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