Monday:

Why don’t you get ahold of yourself before your health completely collapses? Reader, an absolutely horrifying thing happened yesterday…I weighed myself. Like a fool. Like a complete and utter moron. It was a disaster. I’m not blind, I’m aware I’ve gained weight in 2020. But it was an assault to see the actual number. I nearly panicked. I don’t even know what to do? Diet? Exercise? ARE YOU INSANE!? I still argue that you have to indulge whenever possible to get the absolute most out of life. Wring every last drop out of it, darling, because nothing really matters that much. We’re just floating in space. But…maybe…eat a little less cheese? I don’t know. Things have got to change. ASAP!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you ensure we never forget what happened on the sixth: DOMESTIC TERRORISM? We have to keep these horrors alive so that can never happen again. The violent and deranged lynch mob that stormed the Capitol looking for Vice President Mike Pence, carried gear to hold and torture hostages, slaughtered an officer with a fire extinguisher, tried to overthrow the government, made a plan to execute politicians, and who literally erected a functioning gallows with a waiting noose on government grounds, were TERRORISTS. They were chanting, “Hang Mike Pence!” Allegedly, they nearly got him; I’m not making any of this up. I’m appalled. The story grows worse by the day. These losers did what Al-Qaeda didn’t manage twenty years ago. Though I pretend to be one in all areas, I’m not really an expert in terrorism. But I’ve been haunted by French terrorism that seems too close to home, and I took a terrorism class that I excelled at, so listen up! The radicalization of white people is a real and present danger. And it’s everywhere in our society. I watched my father begin his descent into its madness two years ago. He was converted into a hateful racist, acted weirdly victimized, talked at length about the death of America, and collected canned foods and bullets to keep him safe when the Liberals finally wrested America from him. Absolutely insane. Blissfully he died before the real mania began. He would have been oiling his guns. These domestic terrorists, even though they’re white, and even if they live with you, they’re building terrorist cells. This is the kind of shit that ISIS does. We have to eradicate this problem because it’s obviously WRONG and that’s something we have to AGREE on. Once we’ve dealt with that, we need to address the issues: reeducating the public en masse about why fascism and populism is bad, how to reach communities hostile to acknowledging their white privilege, realistic gun reform, an urge need to start the policing/dissolving/rebuilding of social media networks, and ultimately the most crucial, we have to restore truth as fact. I don’t know how we’ll do it, but thankfully we can always look to history. When Hitler was finally cancelled (as the kids say), the Germans were made to face the horrors they’d wrought. It was called denazification. It’s a real thing. Type it. Your phone won’t autocorrect you. In Spain, when Franco finally died there was a law passed called the Pact of Forgetting to ignore the crimes (such as illegal imprisonment, torture, prison camps, cessation of human rights, mass murder, genocide…you get the idea) and move on. That’s a real thing. You can google it. They just shrugged and moved on and tried to never think about it. Obviously one of these methods was more successful at confronting the evil that lives amongst us and often in us. We might really mess this up at first, but we have to address it and we have to solve it. America will dissolve otherwise. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you tell me if probiotics really work? I have a gut instinct that they do. Did you get the joke? A gut health pun. Who would have thought? I’ve been fine but I haven’t felt like a million bucks lately. As I have every day for the past god knows how many years, I read tons of research about Multiple Sclerosis, and probiotics keep coming up. It didn’t seem like anything bad would happen if I took them, so I signed up for monthly deliveries. And I think they work…I don’t have any kind of real proof, but I feel like I’m feeling somehow healthier. This has been very vague, my apologies, let me know your experiences. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you take a two-hour bubble bath every night? It’s really one of the finer elements of this whole staying at home all the time thing. I’d given up on my body and routine, but at least I don’t have to stress about the usual stresses and strains of life during this bizarre time in human history. I can just soak in the tub and read Agatha Christie mysteries. I’m very into bubble bath now. I didn’t know it was a thing for adults. Mine smells like lavender and leaves my skin smooth and I feel very rich. Highly recommended. I’m getting in soon. 

Friday:

Why don’t you follow Michael Beschloss on Twitter now. I’ll wait. Thank you. He’s my Twitter hero. Michael is a presidential historian that frequently appears on MSNBC programs. When I first began watching The Rachel Maddow Show right before the babies-in-a-cage nightmare, I was always charmed by his appearances. He would draw comparisons to the past and I would be comforted that no matter how wild things get, America has always been deranged. During the election, the transition, and the terrorist attack on the Capitol, his tweets provided remarkable commentary, comparisons, and sources. It’s a remarkable time to live and his account helps me stay in reality. They also keep me sane.