My level of disinterest in this show is sad. It’s also at an all time high. I’ve been avoiding it all weekend. I don’t care to watch any more, but I feel obligated out of some misguided sense of duty to an old friend. I cleaned the house a little while ago just to avoid writing this blog, since that meant sitting in front of my iPad and sighing dramatically, trying to care enough to take notes. I may not follow through with these blogs. I don’t know. I know that in this episode, they are doing a gender reversal — I would have been amazing. Just saying.
I couldn’t be bothered to have this post be narrated by anybody. I’m kind of over it.
Well…let’s go, I guess.
- The deep dish square pizza from Little Caesars looks amazing. I need pizza.
- Everybody hates Jourdan. I hate them all.
- Alexandra seems to think her mother is going to spontaneously come down with cancer again because she can’t talk to her.
- Phil misses his girlfriend, so he’s flirty with Jiana. Good and loyal, Phil. Wait until your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend sees this.
- “How many fives go into sixty?”
- Jiana’s boyfriend is pissed that she posed naked. He didn’t know it was going to be “like this?” Has he never seen this show?
- “This is not real!” a contestant shouts about phone use abuse.
- Renee is going to slap the stupid out of Jourdan. Somebody has to.
- “It sucks that people don’t like me because I’m their biggest competition.” –Jourdan
- Ew, Perez Hilton is there. No thanks. Remember when I met him in Los Angeles? Sweaty and very hairy. He’s so unpleasant. He looks awful.
- Cool your tits, Cory, “Fashion Corresponding” is not that thrilling.
- A guy wearing a boring sweater is called chic…no.
- Somebody give Perez a makeover. I can’t deal.
- The challenge waiting area is literally the food court next to Grauman’s Chinese. They act like it isn’t.
- “Why did you choose mustard yellow pants today?” WHO WOULDN’T WEAR MUSTARD YELLOW? MUSTARD YELLOW IS EVERYTHING.
- Perez Hilton, who has gone all over telling us how positive he is, is being a bitch to pedestrians.
- Uh oh…Marvin just said something I agree with. He doesn’t like bashing people and slyly says Perez is awful. I’m so ashamed right now.
- Sweet Christ, how can there still be a half hour left?
- “I’m not gonna be like you and bash people for no reason.” –Marvin on Perez
- Jeremy wins because he stripped. Nonsense.
- Jourdan really thinks Renee was going to hit her.
- “Oh yeah…I knew you were married.” Jourdan to Jeremy. WHO DOESN’T KNOW SHE WAS MARRIED?
- She literally acts like it’s a shocking revelation each time.
- Why is there a commercial every five seconds?
- Instead of modeling, which is the point of the show, they’re shooting fragrance commercials.
- You rarely see fragrance commercials with anybody who is not famous.
- “This is an over-the-top parody and a chance to show off your comedic skills,” Johnny tells them all while I smash my head into my laptop. What the f**k is the point of this show anymore? WHAT IS IT? Somebody please help me. They can’t take a picture without having some stupid “flixel.” They can’t make an actual commercial without destroying it. I’m so close to being done.
- Now they’re all kissing each other.
- Johnny’s pants couldn’t be tighter.
- Marvin got kissed and looks like he’s about to pass out. Calm your tits.
- I’m tired of these commercials.
- Jourdan struggled because she doesn’t know what goth is. Children in kindergarten know what gothic is.
- “She starts to make out with me…I’m like okay let’s do it.” Jeremy, why are you pretending that this is something unexpected?
- Yeah, Phil is definitely losing his girlfriend after this.
- “Oh I left the shower running.” –Jiana announces as she leaves the hot tub. What?
- These commercials with final editing look like a bad one off of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I can’t with this.
- Here’s a drag commercial that’s actually good:
- “A little tighter on the groin area would have been nicer.” –Tyra
- “If you were a little taller and had a little penis, I’d be like, call me.” –Tyra
- They’re upset with Jeremy, so they give him a terrible number…7. Please, bitches.
- “I didn’t understand. I’m very sheltered.” –Jourdan, who is torn apart by the judges. Good.
- Tyra says that Jourdan had done the worst she’s seen from her, so she gives her a 6. I’m done.
- Cory got best “photo.”
- Alexandra has wanted to be on the show “her whole life.” She’s only ten years old, I guess.
- I just can’t.
Thank God it’s over for this week.
Well, I’m going to get back to pulling carpet staples out of my bedroom floor. It’s literally, hundreds of times more exciting. For real.