I regularly feel like I’m wasting my life and have accomplished nothing with my time. I know that this can’t possibly be true, so to counteract these feelings of woe, I’ve decided to look back and see just exactly what I did this year.

JANUARY:

• The year began with me on the very verge of reality television celebrity. I was called for a follow-up interview with the producers of America’s Next Top Model and a number of curious Hollywood type people began to follow me on the Twitter. Coincidence? I think not.
• IKEA and I got into a long conversation about the IKEA Monkey on the Twitter. Sadly, they did not print out a picture of Darwin and put him in the shop for me like they said. LIARS.
• A large number of people subscribed to my blog who were very religious. Obviously, this confused me since I’m everything but religious and regularly make a mockery of religion.
• I did the Gangnam Style dance with a hundred teenagers. Scary times.
• I lost my shit when Zayn from One Direction got an awful haircut.
• I finally had absinthe and was terribly disappointed that I didn’t see a single green fairy.
• I did a bunch of squats and had a reasonably attractive ass. See?
• My Beyoncé fantasies were in full swing. She did the Superbowl and the Inauguration and I became ever more enraptured by her. I wrote this: “Bey and I are like brother and sister. We’re songwriting tonight for the new album. She is trying to be super serious, but I keep trying to get a more hip hop vibe. “B’Day 2.0, gurl!” I shout with regularity. She looks pensively at me and nods. I love my Bey.” No shame. Also, prophetic.
• I read Les Misèrables and shrugged in indifference.
• I went to Wisconsin and perused liquor:

• I sent out these Tweets:

FEBRUARY:

• I finished my movie resolution for 2012, only a month late. Not bad. Not four months late like this year’s ab quest. LOL @ that. I really should get back on track with that one.
• I convinced a load of students to write “PHILLIPS IS HANDSOME” in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs on their projects.
• I lengthily researched Chinese astrology and what it means to be a snake.
• I discovered that I was not cast on America’s Next Top Model. A severe depression ensued.
• I was annoyed that I couldn’t make it to Rome for the papal election. It’s always been a dream of mine (though I’m not Catholic nor religious) to be there when the smoke blows white.
• I had a massive meal at a spontaneous Mardi Gras party with my siblings at Django. Obesity.
• I became obsessed with ratatouille. The dish, not the charming Pixar film.
• The images of the America’s Next Top Model cast was released. I was tragically not one of them.  Oh how I laughed! They all looked monstrous. I felt better. I received an incredible amount of sympathy from friends.
• I altered a shirt to incorporate kittens:Hipsters were soon seen sporting similar shirts. (ALLITERATION!)
• I looked like this:and this:I was stunningly beautiful. TYRA, YOU ARE A FOOL!
• I sent out these Tweets:

MARCH:

• I went to a very fancy restaurant, Proof, in Des Moines and discovered that beets are amazing and that basil is delicious in cocktails.
• I made tons of jokes about the papal election that went unappreciated by my followers.
• I discovered that I own a steamer and that the steamer would make wallpaper fall of. Madness ensued.
• I was very depressed by the weather. It snowed regularly. We had several late starts.
• I booked a trip to Disney World on a whim. I treated myself like a king. I had priority seating on the plane and drank two margaritas on the flight. I cried when I saw the ocean out my window. I had a gorgeous room at the Animal Kingdom Lodge where I could see the wildlife frolic. I lounged by the pool. I believe I tried every pool cocktail. I shopped/drank my way through EPCOT. That’s a great thing to do. I have never eaten so much in one day! I ogled attractive Moroccan men. I fought sexism by encouraging boys to dress in their sister’s princess dresses. I explored hotels and went to fancy restaurants. I ordered room service. I got a sunburn. I wore speedos in public. It was heaven.
• I looked like this:
• I sent out these Tweets:

APRIL:

• I discovered that I make a decent drag queen when attired like a slutty Joan Crawford. Look out, RuPaul’s Drag Race.Obviously, I need a wig, heels, and to shave.
• A very astute student said to me, “Mr. Phillips, you seem like somebody who watches a lot of Bravo. Do you want to be a fashion person? Why don’t you leave Perry and go to Paris?” (I wept a bit.)
• I, and every other lover of pop culture, was obsessed with Amanda Bynes and her magnificent descent into madness.
• I was devastated when my favorite restaurant, Django, stopped selling my favorite dessert, their chocolate chambord cake. I began a campaign on social media to get it back, but was unsuccessful. I did get the recipe, though…so…winning.
• I developed a strong desire to visit Cuba. Still unrealized, but I’m hoping to go soon.
• I attended a David Sedaris lecture and all the power went out. I entertained my section of the audience by making well-referenced Titanic jokes. Later that evening, David and I chatted about the Louvre’s food court, joked in German, and discussed the merits of different drag queens. It was a big deal.
• I discovered the color eau de nil and gasped.
• I ran a 5k with coworkers. (Who am I?)
• I made mogador macarons and died from how delicious they were.
• I told my sister, “Next time we go to Paris, you have to be more adventurous. I don’t like having my own adventures — you saw how easily I get molested.”
• I looked like this:
• I sent out these Tweets:

MAY:

• US Cellular finally announced they were going to sell the iPhone and I fell to the ground, weeping, joyously crying.
• I decided that I need to attend the Kentucky Derby and drink many mint juleps. Maybe 2014 will be the year for horse races and Cuban cigars?
• I became unhealthily obsessed with Life With LaToya. How could I not when she asks for a catalog at an adoption agency? Since she liked a post of mine on Facebook, I also consider us close, personal friends:Also, this:

• I finished reading the greatest books ever, The Amelia Peabody series, and didn’t know what to do with myself. I was lost. It’s a life goal of mine to get them adapted into an excellent miniseries.
• A student shouted at me as I walked down the hall, “Work that runway, Mr. Phillips!”
• I decided to spontaneously go to Chicago to visit the Oriental Institute museum. I fell in love with the Garden District. I was verbally harassed on a train. I joyously looked over the ancient Egyptian relics at the museum. I ate at the Ralph Lauren restaurant for the first time. I gave an inspiring speech to a vagabond. I toured a five-star hotel. I had a sidecar in Chicago’s highest bar. It was a glorious time.
• The weather was hot and I was loving it. You can really tell a difference in my attitude. I’m miserable in the winter. I made great hoe jokes as I worked in the garden.
• EUROVISION WAS ON AND I WAS OBSESSED. Ever since seeing it in Paris for the first time, I have been madly in love with this very European hot mess. My life coverage of the event was very popular on Twitter. It’s the best thing ever. Evidence:

• I spontaneously got a tattoo (that I’ve had planned for months.) I love it tremendously.
• I found an ass-ton (great word, that) of morels and gorged upon them like the gastronomic bitch I am.
• I looked like this:
• I sent out these Tweets:

JUNE:

• The month began with me in a panic to plan my summer holiday. The greatest joy of working in public education is summer vacation helping the children. I thought I’d go to Montreal or New York City or Puerto Rico. Nothing seemed to be working out. STRESS.
• Work got out for the summer and I was gifted with a giant cardboard elephant!
• I decided to take up the piano again and discovered that I’m quite good at playing old standards like “Miss Otis Regrets” and “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes. I rather like playing the piano when I can sing along.
• I began an online campaign to get a Beyoncé and Dolly Parton duet. Still no luck.
• I developed a dream of hosting a comedic travel series on PBS.
• I bought a wireless charger for my phone and it stunned and delighted me.
• I continued my dangerous obsession with kettle chips.
• In desperation, I booked a trip to HOLLYWOOD for the summer and immediately began singing this nonstop, to the delight of all around me:

• I rented a beautiful apartment in West Hollywood, planned a visit with my mother’s childhood friend, talked to my cousin for a stay, and bought adorable clothes to wear whilst I was there. I openly wept when I discovered that the Brown Derby no longer existed. I also booked a room at the CHATEAU MARMONT. I’m jealous of me.
• I became a reverend and started an online ministry. Holla at your reverend.
• I attended my cousin’s wedding, looked flawless, and drank a ton of champagne:
• I went to Wisconsin again and was forced to go to The House on the Rock, the single most unpleasant thing in the entire world. It’s awful. I went four-wheeling, too, and danced in a cage:
• I met an elderly Czech spy who was hit by a train.
• Tiger and I looked like this:
• I sent these Tweets:

Well, it appears that the first half of 2013 was more entertaining than I thought it was. Maybe I’m not the boring layabout I think I am. Prepare yourselves for the next half, we’re going to HOLLYWOOD.