Will & Grace:
I have been meaning to rewatch (why isn’t rewatch a word? I don’t understand. I say it all the time, everybody says it all the time. I’m going to officially declare it acceptable. Take note, Oxford and Webster and Urban Dictionary.) this favorite show of mine for the longest time, but I never get around to it. I’m not the kind of person who sits in front of a television for a half day. I would be so bored! I can barely get through a single episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo without manically scrolling through my iPhone. I think I’ve developed ADHD or ADD or one of the initial derived diseases — I don’t know the difference or even if that’s one of them. That’s unimportant. Yesterday, I watched the entirety of season three whilst working on some leather tooling. I am making a new passport holder out of faux-crocodile leather. I’m crazy about the pattern of crocodile skin. I’m thinking of designing some wallpaper that looks like it. Wouldn’t that be chic? I think so. Anyway, as I watched the show, I recalled my love for it. It was my absolute favorite show in middle school and high school until it went off the air. That was devastating, but it was for the best. Anyway, I’m off track. I haven’t seen the show in ages, but I still remembered all the lines and it still made me laugh hysterically and Karen is still my spirit animal. I am so saddened that they never made a spin-off with Karen and Jack. They were the real stars of the show.
The Internet is a wonderful thing, but it also sucks all of your time away. I don’t understand how it happens. It’s witchcraft, I think. Last night, I went to bed and thought I would do one last scroll through Facebook as I wasn’t tired in the slightest and wound up taking quizzes for about two hours. Very interesting waste of my time, though! The president I most resemble is Barack Obama. I’m an INTP personality, which resulted in me doing a lot of reading about what on earth that meant. I guess only 1% of people are this type, so I’m really special. Combined with my rare blood type, AB+, you should probably consider my existence incredibly remarkable and yourself lucky for knowing me. Then I took quizzes about which punk rock icon I am and which character I am from Parks & Recreation, which version of Vladimir Putin I am, and which famous inventor I am (Nikola Tesla.) I learned a lot about me. I also lost a lot of time. I should have just gone to bed, but if I had done that, would I ever know that my answers to a specific quiz would suggest that I’m more likely to like arugula and broccoli than other people? I would not.
I haven’t done much cooking lately, which is very strange for a gentleman like me who is passionate about gastronomy. I’m a professionally trained pastry chef, remember? (LOL, like I’d let you forget.) With my general depression, I haven’t had that much enthusiasm to cook anything. I eat a ridiculous number of meals that consist mainly of popcorn, scrambled eggs, or cereal. I’ve enjoyed them, though. I like simple foods best. But, I had forgotten how much fun it is to create a meal. I’ve challenged myself to use up the cans and boxes and whatnot that are in my shelves before I go grocery shopping, so I had to be awfully creative last night. My intention was to make spaghetti with falafel “meatballs.” It came kind of close. But I didn’t have spaghetti, so I made it with spinach fettuccine. The falafel meatballs were rather dry, so I hoped they’d moisten up when I simmered them in a quick tomato sauce. They did…but they sucked up all the moisture from the sauce. So, it became kind of a stew atop pasta. Not dreadful, but not my intention. I covered it in cheese, broiled it, and enjoyed myself tremendously. I should cook more often, but it did take an unreasonable amount of time. Popcorn takes five minutes to make. I’m probably still going to eat a lot of popcorn.
I never really had a vested interest in hair coloration growing up. All I know is that my mother was passionately opposed to it. I never understand why. Hair is dead, and why not mess around with it if you’re inclined? I liked the color of my brown hair, so I stuck with it. A couple years ago, I went blonde, but that wasn’t quite as lovely as I thought it would be. I’m willing to try that again…I’m sure I will at some point. Why not have a little fun, you know? I did see this box of dye last night at Target that is made for dark brown hair. Supposedly, it turns you into a hot platinum blonde in one application. I have my doubts, but I’ll probably try it this summer. Another thing that I want to try is having lilac hair. I’d like to do that before the trend is over, a day that I think is fast approaching. I think it’s so pretty and of all the colors hair cannot possibly be that people make their hair be, that’s the one that appeals to me the most. I’m growing my hair out at the moment, so the tips are still the hair I had when I was in California, getting it bleached with the sun. I’m fairly sure there are still bits in there of the hair I had to Florida last year when I made that rather dreadful decision to try Sun-In — a product that works far too well. So, for a while, I’ve looked like the victim of a poorly done ombre, something which needed remedied. Last night, Jessica and I dyed my hair back to a very nice dark brown. It’s fun to dye your hair. You get to mix chemicals and massage your scalp and have pretty, very soft hair at then end. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and now I look really nice. Nicer than normal. I know!
SHOPPING AT TARGET:
I will never ever not ever get over my deep and true love for Target. I remember an article back on BuzzFeed that was talking about the reasons that Target is a Midwestern Mecca and I nodded in agreement through that post. Target is heaven. It’s the promised land. It is the Elysian Fields. It’s absolute perfection, and I don’t understand why a person would choose to shop elsewhere. This is coming from somebody who knows a great number of people employed by Walmart. Walmart is much better than it used to be, but can you buy fashionable boots for men, there? NO. Can you buy designer chairs by Nate Berkus at a reasonable price at Walmart? HA! NO. Can you find interesting socks to wear ironically at Walmart? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Walmart does have a great scarf selection, I won’t deny it. I have several Walmart scarves — one has even been lauded in public for seemingly being a Missoni. That was a fun trip to Starbucks. At Target, you can find all these things and more. Things you never knew you never knew. MANDATORY POCAHONTAS INTERLUDE:
When I went to Target the other night, I didn’t expect to buy boots and sweaters and pencils and hair dye and more, but I could not resist, my cards were screaming from inside of my wallet, “USE US! SPEND MONEY! LOVE US!” And, I had to listen to their tiny, squeaky voices; they’ve been so good to me. I love Target. We should all go to Target more often. We should go every day. We should be at Target right now wandering through the bright, beautiful halls.
Music Stuck In Head:
I know that this is something that happens to everybody, and since it’s a completely mental process, I can’t begin to quantify if my symptoms are worse than others. I tend to think so. My brain will sometimes drive me completely insane. I’ll hear a song a couple of times and then suddenly it will keep playing over and over in my head like I have an MP3 player stuck in my mind. I can’t turn it off, though, it just keeps going on and on and on. One night in Paris, all I could do was hear Eartha Kitt singing and singing and singing and singing at what sounded like a scream. “IF I LOVE YA THEN I WANT YA AROUND!” Over and over again she sang and shouted and I couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t sleep for a minute that night. It was a very strange day. I haven’t had this experience so badly since then, but lately it’s been happening again. Now the song is “A Lil’ Ole Bitty Pissant Place,” and I’m seriously on the verge of going insane. I love me some Dolly, but if she won’t get out of my head, I’m going to lose it. Is there medicine for this? Is there a cure? Am I going mad?
I am cursed with fabulous taste. I know that people are envious of my preferences, but they’re a true burden. Much like I said in a past life when I was Oscar Wilde, “I’m a man of simple tastes. I’m always satisfied with the best.” I really do think that I was him in a past life. I’m pretty sure that if I had a past life regression, my therapist would wake me up with a look of awe in their face. I can’t wait to listen to the recording and hear all of my witticisms! But, this status is about cheese; I’m getting distracted as I always do. When I buy a hard, grating cheese, it is almost always a quality wedge of parmigiano-reggiano, imported from Italy, obviously, as it’s the only place legally allowed to label itself that. So delicious, I love all the little salty crystals and the elegance of knowing I’m eating expensive cheese. Sadly, you can’t really get this unless you go on a little trip to Des Moines. Here in Perry, you can only get this stuff called Romano from some big brand company. It’s absolutely awful. Last night, I tried a piece of it by itself instead of grating it as I usually do and I wanted to vomit. Absolutely disgusting. Never ever again. Only buy good cheese, reader.
Every day, every godforsaken day, when I’m scrolling through the Facebook, I’m having a tragic struggle to stay sane. There is a constant barrage of posts saying “Gotta love boots!!!” or “Gotta love that girl!!! 😀 😀 :D” It never ends. There are hundreds upon thousands of variations on this theme. I don’t know why seeing these statuses bothers me so much, and I’m well aware that the poster is not trying to drive me insane. Still, they make me crazy. Why can’t they say, “Damn do I love boots!” or something equally original? Perhaps that’s the root of it, I simply cannot stand things that are overwhelmingly overdone to the point of becoming trite. (I often think that the word trite is rather trite.) I’m not saying that I think everybody on Facebook is stupid or unoriginal or thoughtless or unaware of basic grammar rules…I kind of am…but just think of what an engaging and entertaining place social media could be if people tried to be a bit more creative and fun.
I’m not a fat person, I know that, I’m not too stupid. But, I still have gained a bunch (like seven pounds!) of weight that I wouldn’t have about my person if the weather were nicer. I’m aware that I blame the weather for nearly all of my issues, but I think that is absolutely reasonable. The weather is the reason that I’m depressed and so I nibble on things. The weather is the reason I can’t go outside all too much and that’s why I can’t spend my afternoons in pursuit of athletic endeavors such as gardening, bicycling, hiking, walking, running, and tanning. If there were a gold medal offered for tanning, that bitch would be mine. That is not the case at the moment, of course. It’s not that I haven’t attempted to exercise and eat right. You recall my surprised enjoyment when I went for a walk, I’m sure. I’m going to go for another one this afternoon for sure, it’s supposed to finally start warming up! I hope this is a trend that continues. I try not to eat too much, but there is literally nothing else to do. So a bit of popcorn here a baked potato there a wedge of cheese here and an entire baguette there do not make for comfortably fitted pants that are already stitched to have a slim fit. LE SIGH. I am so ready to be outside again when the weather will let me and get my old self back.
Generic Orange Juice:
Oh my sweet Buddha above, NO! There has been a gallon of orange juice from Fareway in my refrigerator for about a week now. I’ve avoided it since I couldn’t be bothered to drink something that wasn’t Simply Delicious. In desperation, though, and in the mood for a Screwdriver, I opened the gallon and took a sip. ATROCIOUS! What is this concoction they’re selling as a healthy orange juice? It’s certainly no orange juice that I want to drink. It tastes vaguely of orange, that’s true, but there’s not much beyond that. There’s no tartness, it’s not refreshing, it tastes dull and sad. I was not going to pollute my vodka with that orange juice! Absolutely not. Tonight, I’m going to put a bunch in a stockpot and reduce it to see if the flavor of orange concentrates itself and becomes more pronounced. I’m sure it won’t and it will be an experiment in folly. Oh well! Never buy anything that isn’t Simply Delicious, reader! If you aren’t willing to do that, and I do understand, squeeze your own oranges or try a few different brands, find something better than that garbage.