Monday:

Why don’t you pick some political campaign to start crusading for? It’s almost time, you know, elections are in two years from now. If you’re smart, and I know that my readers are, you’ll campaign for my dear, beloved, Hillary Clinton. If you need any evidence as to why, watch this brilliant speech:

Tuesday:

Why don’t you pick a new fad diet to go on? Maybe that grapefruit diet? Is that still a thing? I don’t know, but I would absolutely kick ass at a grapefruit diet. I live for the grapefruits. Currently I’m trying out the 5:2 diet, and I’m starving to death, but if it makes me beautiful, I’m good.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you start planning your annual Eurovision viewing party? It’s only a month away! If you’ve never watched this grand European tradition, you’re missing out on something exceptionally special. It’s insane. Get some kooky European treats made up and have the time of your life. Eurovision is the highlight of my spring every year.

Thursday:

Why don’t you toss out all of your hideous and scuffed up luggage and invest in a few quality pieces of fashionable luggage? You don’t have to go get new Louis Vuittons, though I wouldn’t stop you, I’d become your new best friend. Get something nice, though, make the peasants in the airport jealous.

Friday:

Why don’t you open up a new bank account where you deposit 3% of your paycheck each week for your future tomb? Over the course of time, this should build up quite nicely and you’ll be able to buy a mausoleum or a crumbling ruin at Père Lachaise. Your resting place needs to be imposing.