Monday:

Why don’t you write a complaint letter to the writers of Saturday Night Live and demand that they stop putting a game show skit in EVERY EPISODE? I’m so sick of them.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you work on getting an invitation to the Met Gala or ingratiating yourself with people who will invite you along? Just think of the envy you will inspire amongst your circles if you were photographed walking into the Met in some glorious tuxedo or dress with Beyoncé in the background!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take a moment to think about all the jobs you’ve ever wanted and look at the applications? I, and everybody in my family, has a latent desire to work at Disney World. Maybe I should?

Thursday:

Why don’t you stay awake for twenty-four solid hours and find out what happens to you? Some people claim to hallucinate, but this has never happened to me. I never sleep, though, so perhaps I’m immune to these neurobiological wonders.

Friday:

Why don’t you spend some time thinking about how foolish you were for not watching Eurovision last week? Repent, reader, and buy the soundtrack! Put the date of the 2015 broadcast on your calendar (May 16th!). There is nothing better in all the world than Eurovision.