Monday:

Why don’t you treat yourself by going to your favorite haute couture boutique and getting something? Honestly, nothing feels better than buying yourself a present. On Monday, I went to Chanel to pick up a new bottle of Pour Monsieur, my favorite cologne. It’s expensive, but it lasts a long time, and I have so many fond memories whenever I catch a whiff of that fragrance. Besides the joy of getting something new, it’s always fun to be treated like a socialite when you shop at places like that. It’s my favorite part.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you make an egg salad sandwich and cover it with gold foil? Nothing in the world is as chic as eating something with gold foil. I would eat a store-bought cookie if you put gold foil on it. That little wisp of gold can instantly transform the mundane and the common into something resembling true opulence. I have a bit of gold leaf left and I think I know where it’s going — mixed into my egg salad. It’s going to be so pretty. I’m going to feel so damn fancy.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you buy a variety of high quality prints of paintings that you like and hang them on your stairwell as a kind of gallery? There are so many Impressionist paintings that I admire, and even more that are done in Classical style; Le Lion de Florence is a particular favorite. It’d be so charming to look at a nicely grouped collection of art as I stumble down the stairs and get ready for work. Art makes the world a better place. There’s some horrible quote that says, “Earth with art is just Eh.” I laugh every time.

Thursday:

Why don’t you write a petition and picket Jordan Creek Town Center until they get an H&M? It is a crime against humanity that I can’t buy affordable fashions in my own state. I should not have to go to Chicago or Minneapolis to look stunning without breaking the bank. I mean, yeah, we have the GAP, but it’s not the same thing. When I was in Chicago on Monday, I realized just how desperate Des Moines needs their own store. It’s time. Listen to me, people!

Friday:

Why don’t you send me a bucketful of cash so that I can successfully sue whatever Hollywood studio is responsible for Age of Adaline? I am thoroughly convinced that the inspiration for the story and several pivotal storylines came from my delightful (and reasonably priced) novella! An immortal woman who’s cells “are frozen forever in youth.” I was screaming after I discovered this. SCREAMING, reader! I demand justice for my creative and intellectual rights. Now, I need to see the film first, but I am sure that I will be forcibly removed from the theater for my mental breakdown.