Monday:

Why don’t you convince yourself that you desperately need that Apple Watch and then go out and get it? I told myself for months that it was unnecessary. I told myself that I don’t have any use of it. I told myself so many things, but I always knew that I was lying to myself. I’m probably going out to get one this week. Do you know why? Because it’s gold. That’s it. That’s my only reason. I’m tired of my old Swatch and I want to look like a snobby elitist with a gold watch dangling from my wrist. Just wait. I’ll take too many photos of myself looking casual with the new watch when I get it. I do this for you. (I bought it. It’s great! I have no idea what it’s for!)

Tuesday:

Why don’t you take your favorite selfie and have it printed cheaply onto different phone cases? Give these out to all of your friends and enemies and strangers you meet on the street. Maybe leave a crate in your break room at work. Somebody is bound to use one. Think of the joy you’ll feel when you see your face plastered on a stranger’s phone.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you buy some gold leaf and cover everything in a thin layer of twenty-four carat gold? It’s ever so chic to eat a meal and have it covered in gold. I have put gold on a baked potato and then laughed. It was fantastic. But then I thought about the downward global economy, violence, dying children in impoverished nations, and the crippling student debt I’m going to incur, anhid I shrugged. Then I ate some passionfruit sorbet covered in gold leaf and sighed.

Thursday:

Why don’t you have all of your family’s historic photos digitized and printed in a well-designed book? If you have an interest in digital publication, this will be a fun hobby for you. If not, there are companies that will do this for you. I’m a bit obsessed with the idea of a compilation for each side of my family — something beautiful with restored photographs and good typeface. Maybe there will be a family tree or an interesting map covered with arrows that show my family’s move from Bohemia to Iowa and wherever they’ve gone since. It’d be fascinating.

Friday:

Why don’t you open up a savings account exclusively for designer fashion? I need: Saint Laurent boots, a Burberry trench, and a Louis Vuitton bag for my continued happiness. Just imagine my joy (and yours as I will surely document the entire process) as I carry my bags down Rodeo Drive or Fifth Avenue or Regent Street or the Champs-Élysées. I can’t decide where, yet!