Yearly Apple Announcements:


I vividly remember one of the first Apple announcements I ever watched. It was the day they unveiled the iPhone. I watched, absolutely mesmerized, as Steve Jobs explained that chunky phone that looks so ridiculous in retrospect. Do you remember it?


It changed the world, though. I wouldn’t be the same person without my iPhone. Now that I’m an adult (which is the greatest thing in the world) and have a job, I watch these announcements religiously and decide which item I need to buy first. The Apple Watch has always been elusive to me. I like the way it looks, but I honestly had no idea what it would do for me. But, they released a more affordable gold version, and now it’s dangling from my wrist.


I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it yet the way I do other Apple products. I think that as new software updates come out, it will be more useful to me. At the moment, it’s a bit too confusing. I have never used that word in relation to an Apple device before. Unfortunately the new update has been delayed, but I hold out hope that it will be great. I am reminded of the first generation iPod Touch I bought. I thought it was cool, but it didn’t really do much of anything until they introduced the App Store. Then it blossomed into a tremendously useful tool. But back to the announcements. The iPad Pro was also shown, and I think I might buy that instead of my regular laptop upgrade. I had my heart set on the golden Macbook, and I still do, but the iPad intrigues me. I need to see that before I make any decisions, though. These are just thrilling technological times that make me excited to live in the future. As time goes by, the watch I’m looking at will surely be a constant companion for me, but as for the moment, it’s just quite pretty.



I am probably going to get rid of cable soon. Either that or downgrade to a plan that has a much lower cost. I don’t need to spend $100+ per month to watch Ancient Aliens, Barefoot Contessa, and The Wendy Williams Show! That’s all I watch, and it’s stupidly expensive. When Apple announced their new TV box, I decided to try that when it comes out and see if it can replace my needs. I’m hoping that in time, the different channels will sell subscriptions to their content for a few dollars a month. $2.99 a month to watch History 2? Sure. Maybe a bit more for Showtime or TCM? I don’t care. Whatever they do it’ll be cheaper. Anyway, this, like most things that I write, is a lot of exposition to get to the point. My point is I love Nicole Richie. She and I should be the best of friends, and when I danced with her and Mario Lopez a few years ago at the Grove.



I was sorely disappointed that she and I didn’t go to the Bar Marmont for lunch immediately afterwards. She’s hilarious and the woman version of me — if I had money, lived in LA, and had a famous family… She has a show on VH1, which I record on the DVR, but the other day I wanted to watch it online. This was horrible because of the million ads that pop up. I can’t use an ad blocker on Safari, which is the browser I prefer, because of the website used for my college courses. Why they chose to do something so stupid as that, I don’t know nor will I ever understand. Anyway, long story medium, I downloaded Chrome and then downloaded the AdBlock extension. AND THEN I SQUEALED WITH GLEE as Candidly Nicole streamed flawlessly without ads, any commercials, or pop ups. It literally blocked over a hundred ads in twenty minutes. I am thrilled. I am living. Get this extension reader. Your life will change.

Completion of My Chip Card Collection:


Yesterday, I nearly died. In a good way. It wasn’t a medical incident. You see, I received a new issue of my Gap credit card. I use the thing maybe twice a year and only when they have a good sale, but I was still giddy to see that the new version had a chip in it! A CHIP! You all know how I feel about a chip credit card, don’t you? I have rambled on endlessly about my devotion to this technology. I cried when I was able to use it the first time in America. That’s not a joke. It was Walmart. I even had the moment immortalized on film.


I’m weird. But after having spent so much time in Europe, burning with jealousy that I could not use the automatic machines with my magnetized swipe card, it was a huge deal. I looked through my credit card collection — something I’m unreasonably proud of, mainly because I have great credit and most of them have chips — and felt unreasonable hatred for my Discover Card. This was absolutely uncalled for. I love my Discover Card. It has been nothing but good to me, but it didn’t have a goddamn chip! I have written novel-length complaint letters to many companies about their unwillingness to get with the times. Finally, my missives began to earn me results. I’m like the Joan of Arc of chip cards in America. Anyway, I was preparing to send another lengthy note to the customer service people when I found out that Discover is quietly issuing chip cards upon request. I wept fresh tears and submitted my request. It will come in the mail soon; my beautiful credit card will be plastered with my name, a famed Seurat painting, and a chip. Life can be wonderful, reader.

Comet Cleaner:

Child abuse is not funny, but Mommie Dearest is a cinematic classic of black comedy. It’s a family favorite, and I watch that delicious movie a few times a year. It’s divinity in DVD form. I don’t hold with any of it at all, though. I’ve researched Joan Crawford’s life extensively for about a decade now and I have formed my own opinion of her character through a great deal of interviews and intensive study of her friends. I’m sure that behind closed doors she was very different from her public persona — we all are, after all — but I don’t think she was as extreme as the portrayal she was given by her daughter. Faye Dunaway will always be a queen. Anyway, in one of the most iconic scenes of an iconic movie, as seen above,, Joan and Christina scrub an already clean bathroom with Comet cleaner. I didn’t know that it was still being manufactured until I was thoroughly scrubbing my grandmother’s house (back when I still thought I would be living in it…long, tragic story). I was amazed by how well it worked on getting up ancient stains and everything else. I bought a new bottle to clean my bathroom, and I am charmed by how well it works. Everything shines! And I get to shout, “Scrub, Christina! Come on, you and I together!” And then I enjoy crying, “You call this clean??? NOTHING IS CLEAN!!!” The cats give me a strange look, but I don’t mind their judgement. Get some Comet, readers.

Elizabeth Peters Preorder:


Yesterday, I received a most delightful email. I jumped out of bed and screamed. I ran around and squealed. My cat watched with alarm. In retrospect, I was rather alarmed by myself. I don’t normally respond to emails in this fashion, but this one was particularly exciting. My favorite author, Elizabeth Peters, who died a few years ago, is posthumously releasing another novel about her amazing heroine, Amelia Peabody! These are the books that revitalized my passion for Egyptology and for writing. AND NOW A NEW ONE IS COMING OUT! Next year, though, so I have to be intensely patient, but I’ve already preordered it. I am not sure if it was completely written by her, or it was put together by her editor or something like that, but I don’t care. I would be thrilled to see the books continue — maybe her estate should hire me to continue her legacy? I would in a heartbeat. The are the finest books in the entirety of history. Shakespeare? No! Dickens? NOPE! Elizabeth Peters? YES SHE IS A QUEEN! Well, she was a queen. I love her. Read all of her books and preorder her next. You are going to be blessed, reader!

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