Monday:

Why don’t you go visit your local eye surgeon and chat about implanted contact surgery? I am absolutely obsessed with the idea of getting a contact lens inserted under my iris. I watched videos all night and screamed. It was terrifying, but I totally want it. If you are blind like me, what’s stopping you from going in for a consultation? I’ll be booking one soon.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you write the president a letter complaining about Black Friday disappointment? It used to be such fun to go to the shops at midnight, clutching hot cocoa in a viselike grip, and stampeding over the unfortunates who got in your way for a four dollar shirt! Oh, those were the good old days, but those days are sadly long gone. Now, there are “Black Friday Weeks.” The sales start on Monday. Ew. This is sacrilege. There’s no joy in going to Target at lunch for something 20% off. I demand a return to the animalistic sales of the past. I want violence and gore and a broken leg over a discounted DVD player.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take a few months and wear each item in your wardrobe? Go through it day by day so that you see if you actually want any of the junk you’ve acquired over the years. It’s so nice to throw things away, even if it cuts you at the time. But you’ll never remember the crap after a few days. I’m wearing a shirt I haven’t worn since I was blonde…which has been ages, though the desire to be blonde is going back…anyway, I love it. It’s an oversized pink button up. I feel like Harry Styles at the Apple Music Festival.

Thursday:

Why don’t you correct your terrible penmanship by using one of the methods your grandparents used in primary school? It is so beautiful and soothing to write in graceful, sweeping loops. I was training myself for awhile, but my cursive is already marvelous, so I quit. But the rest of you animals need some work. There are a few of you out there that don’t offend me, but you are few and far between. Take pride in your handwriting.

Friday:

Why don’t you put me in your will for several thousand dollars to help fund my dream of opening a retirement home for elderly cats? I want a lot of things out of life, but I have long dreamed of having dozens of well-loved kittens enjoying their final days sprawled out in my Feline Retirement Community. Cat food is expensive, though, so be generous in your death.