Monday:

Why don’t you find a bunch of nice used clothing at a consignment shop and take it to your tailor? You will have to wade through a bunch of junk at Goodwill, but there’s always a gem in the endless aisles. I’ve found decent Louis Vuitton fakes and the most gorgeous silk shirts. These are some of my most prized possessions. Beyond a bargain, you are helping out a charity and local businesses by visiting your tailor. It’s basically doing angel work. And tailors are angels.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you gather a bunch of recipes from your friends and family and coworkers and whoever and call them family heirlooms? Many people, I’ve found, have failed to keep family traditions alive, and so it’s imperative to restore them, true or not. I’ve heard of kolaches and potato donuts and all sorts of things that sound great, but I don’t have the recipes. That’s infuriating. So, I’m going to make a folder full of handwritten recipes to pass down. I think food is important. Mainly because I’m hungry.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you learn an obscure skill that you can whip out in surprising situations to stun and delight your coworkers, friends, and family? I don’t brag about my talents because I’m humble and demure and shy… So, it’s always fun to bang out a song on the piano. It’s nice to have Smoke Gets in Your Eyes memorized for the next time you’re casually lingering in a jazz lounge. That doesn’t happen as often as my life spent watching TCM has led me to believe. Life should be like an old movie. One of the good ones. Anyway, I shocked, appalled, and gave nightmares to children today by pinning a butterfly and starting a winged cemetery in the science room. Such fun.

Thursday:

Why don’t you buy yourself an attractive copper or golden water bottle with your initials engraved upon it so that you ensure you drink enough water each day? I have not been doing so well with this lately, and I think that might be one of the reasons I haven’t been feeling one hundred percent. I used to drink three to four liters per day, but now I’ve only been doing one…maybe two. Not entirely sure why, but I’m chugging now. It’s so good to be hydrated. It’s supposed to make you glow.

Friday:

Why don’t you give up on exercise? Because…it hurts. It hurts aplenty. I recently rediscovered that I downloaded an exercise app years ago called Gorilla Fitness. It popped up on my iPhone the other day, and I assumed it was a sign from Beyoncé above to get in shape, so I’ve started in on the workouts. They aren’t lengthy nor difficult, but I find myself panting and groaning and moaning and waking up in the morning like a half dead war victim. But if it makes me beautiful, I guess the pain is worth it.