Monday:
Why don’t you stop conforming to gender roles and go shopping at Goodwill in every department? Last night, I bought the most gorgeous striped shirt in the women’s department. It’s a decent brand, and I got it for $3. I look like the effortlessly gorgeous Harry Styles. The men’s section at thrift shops is horrific, but the women’s side is popping. Be stylish like me, dear reader!

Tuesday:
Why don’t you give up on ever being healthy and having the body of your dreams? It is just too damn stressful to exercise and eat right every day. I can usually manage the eating right bit until ten o’clock at night. Then I just need an egg salad sandwich or Jiffy Pop or I will LOSE my mind. I wish that I was better able to control my urges, but I can’t. And I can’t even bother to plug in the treadmill most days. I seriously need a trainer. I would like to be in shape, but I have no power to do it myself. Understand your limitations, reader.

Wednesday:
Why don’t you take a brief break from your social media accounts? I don’t quite understand what is so addicting about them, but I have fallen under the same spell as the rest of the modern world. Instead of going about my day, I feel obligated to check on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr first. Facebook drains me with all the mindless political posts, slow cooker recipes, and Minion memes. I’ve already given up Twitter. Tumblr is just full of depressing One Direction drama. The only fun place is Instagram. But I think I’ll pull back for a week, just to see what it’s like to not be connected. It might be very helpful for my mental health.

Thursday:
Why don’t you take the advice I gave a long time ago and check yourself into a retreat at a monastery or convent? Admittedly, I still haven’t done this, but when the school year is over, I have every intention of going to the monastery in Dubuque for a few days. I don’t know why, especially since I’m not a bit religious, but there is something about monastic life that calls to me. Always has. Spending your days in silence whilst tending herbs in a robe sounds magnificent.

Friday:
Why don’t you get yourself a modern convenience that you’ve put off? Maybe it’s a stand mixer, an automatic espresso machine, a brand new iPad Pro, outlets with USB ports, or something else you’ve dreamed of. Last night I finally bought a dishwasher, and reader, I can’t tell you just how much my life has changed for the better. I am so blessed. It has taken such a weight off my shoulders and eroded the constant guilt I feel when my counter top is covered in espresso cups. The current age can be wonderful…if only we still wore capes.