Why don’t you realize that you will almost assuredly never pay off all of your debt and learn to live with it instead of letting it be a crushing burden? I don’t even have that much debt, but I don’t make enough to make it go away. Maybe when I have more income when I get my next degree…but then I’ll have student loans to deal with. Oh well, it’s fine. It’s part of being a modern American! I really should never have got that Discover card…but I love it. I’ll never ever get rid of it. I just need to win $10,000. That’d be dandy. So don’t stress, reader, live your best life.


Why don’t you find an excuse to go online and buy tons of things you don’t need? I haven’t bought myself a graduation gift, yet, so I decided that I needed to correct that. So, I bought myself a gorgeous shirt covered in bananas. I thought I was done, but I realized that I most certainly needed a pair of pink suede boots. I regret nothing. I can’t wait to stomp around cities in my pink suede. I’m going to wear them to the Harry Styles concert and to LA and maybe Mexico City and around my house. I’m going to wear them everywhere. I deserve this.


Why don’t you get a fun elective surgery? I am currently dreaming of non-invasive CoolSculpting. It sounds like a dream come true. All you do is sit in a chair and a nurse or someone puts a freezing vacuum on your stubborn fat and it freezes and dies. Then it’s excreted through the urinary system and gone forever. Isn’t that fabulous? I’m thinking I deserve this. If I ever get my debts back to a manageable level, I’m going to get it. I’m going to get Lasik, too. And then a Brazilian butt lift. And then other things. If I don’t die looking like Joan Rivers, I failed.


Why don’t you sell some of your skin as advertising space? I don’t think I’d mind having a tattoo for State Farm Insurance or GoDaddy.com if they paid me handsomely to look like a fool. I just want money. How do people get money? Can I sell a kidney? I’d be glad to. Should I start doing that blood an plasma donation thing? I’d be glad to. You get money and lose weight. Can I sell my body fat? Somebody can happily harvest it as long as I get paid. Are there medical studies I can sign up for? I’d be glad to be subjected to dangerous pills for science and for a paycheck. I just want more money.


Why don’t you plan a trip somewhere new and exciting and cheap and not very far away? This summer, as I’ve droned on interminably, I am trying to be more fiscally responsible. I will surely fail, but I’m going to give it my damnedest. Right now I’m researching a two-week getaway to Mexico City to celebrate my 28th birthday. It’ll be fabulous. I think. I’ll find an apartment, I’ll eat street corn, I’ll go to an art museum, I’ll drink some tequila, I’ll wander dreamily through the streets after sunset and life will be grand and meaningful. My life is best lived when I’m somewhere I’ve never been.

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