Monday:

Why don’t you adopt the trend that I started (and Kourtney Kardashian ripped off from me) and wear pajamas as fashion? I’ve been doing this for years and regularly wear pajama tops from the women’s section of Goodwill. I don’t believe that clothing has a gender, so don’t you dare judge because I do not care. And if that alone causes you to judge, please promptly get off of my website! It’s so cozy to wear a silky floral. Give it a try.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you teach yourself to type using a different keyboard layout? This is free if you use one of the keyboards on your iPad or whatever digital device you use. I have long been trying to understand the advantage of the DVORAK system, so I installed an app that changes the keys. It’s frustrating and dumb and taught me that I much prefer QWERTY. It was a waste of time, but at least I learned something, and that is what really matters in life.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you plan a trip to somewhere you have limited interest in seeing? I find it incredibly important to challenge our tastes and personal biases. That’s the reason it took me so long to get to Mexico; I had more interest in Europe and Africa. Unfortunately, that means that I have spent the first decade of my adult life unaware of the glories and splendors of the beautiful nation to our south. That’s foolish. Don’t be a fool.

Thursday:

Why don’t you go to your local Indian restaurant and sample all of their delicious naan breads? Jessica and I went to a lovely place last night that had ten bread options. I was in a kind of carbohydrate heaven. We only ordered one, but next time I think we will just get an order of each bread. There was one that was stuffed with paneer and another had spiced potatoes. It all looked so good. And it smelled just divine.

Friday:

Why don’t you go through your Netflix queue and delete the DVDs and shows you know you’re never going to watch? I don’t know if it’s just me, because I hardly think I’m the busiest person in the world, but I know that I’m never going to have enough time to enjoy the hundreds of movies and shows I have saved. This is a genuine regret, but until I retire, I am just not going to have time to watch the majority of these pictures. I have had two DVDs on my coffee table since March. Reader, I haven’t watched those movies in half a year and I’m still paying for the service. It’s the height of absurdity. Don’t be like me.