Why don’t you check yourself before you wreck yourself and never EVER tell me what to do? I’m a grown adult. I don’t need idiotic advice no matter how well intended it might be. My apologies, reader, but being told what to do is the second most enraging thing in all the world. If you really want to see me angry, try and diagnose my mood. I get livid! I forget who did this now, but the irritation has lingered for days. Don’t do it.


Why don’t you have your car detailed? Absolutely don’t do this yourself, because who has the ambition or willpower to scrub away every last French fry crumb from the floor? Not me! So I paid a friend with a bottle of vodka and now my car is GLEAMING from the inside. It looks almost new again; it’s delightful and I feel so relaxed surrounded by shine. I even bought wipes to put all over the windows to make the fog go away. Brilliant.


Why don’t you buy the new line of makeup for men by Chanel? I bought the entire line, and reader, let me just tell you, when I have my face on, I look crazy handsome. I mean, my face is always on because I naturally have one, but this makeup covered one is like the dream version of myself. No wonder people spend so much time putting on makeup! And when you wear it, you feel so rich. It’s so good. Go shopping right now. It’s expensive but you need it. No, you deserve it. 


Why don’t you get yourself a Fat Freezer? I’m obsessed with mine. I’ve wanted CoolSculpting since I first heard of the process, but I can’t afford it. So I bought this freezing machine online that was imported from China and might not be FDA approved…but whatever. I have been freezing my fat for about a month, and I think it’s doing something. I feel thinner, anyway. Lord knows I haven’t been exercising or dieting so it must be the machine. 


Why don’t you go to Mexico City to see the jacaranda trees in blossom? Ever since middle school, I’ve wanted to go see the cherry blossoms in Kyoto, Japan…but I’ve never got to Japan. And the one time I went to Washington DC, it was a week before the cherry trees bloomed. That was a great disappointment. But during spring break, I discovered the jacaranda tree. It’s not a cherry blossom, but it’s utterly gorgeous. Purple blossoms absolutely festoon all of the trees and it’s magical and kind of like going to Japan…I think. Haven’t been there, after all. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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