Monday:

Why don’t you immediately drop whatever you’re doing and go buy an air fryer? I thought it was unnecessary for the longest time. I thought it was silly. I thought it was superfluous. But then I borrowed one from a friend just to prove how much I didn’t need it. And well…reader, I was wrong. That air fryer is life changing. It’s life affirming. It’s everything. I’ve literally cooked everything in it. I made salmon and asparagus for dinner in it and I’m shaken to my core by how delicious everything turned out. I’m currently researching which one to buy because I’ve borrowed this one for too long. It’s almost embarrassing how much I enjoy it. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you listen to me VERY closely right now? Drop everything you’re doing. Forget everything you think is important. Set aside some time and watch La Reina del Sur. This telenovela from 2011 just started the second season…and reader…it’s better than I dreamed it could be. It’s sensational. I cried. I screamed. I gasped. It was everything. The first season — available on Netflix — is life changing. And I’m not even being really all that hyperbolic. It’s the best show ever made. Season two is…better. What’s better than better? I don’t know. I’m in a state of rapture. Get with me on this.  

Wednesday:

Why don’t you realize that the perfect revenge takes minimal effort and a bit of good old fashioned patience? About a year ago, somebody said something to me that really offended me. I played it cool and stayed collected, like I almost always do, but as I almost always do, I never forgot. Recently and unexpectedly with just a few words, I was able to crush a dream of theirs. It was intoxicating. No wonder people become evil super villains. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you spend hours in the bath, relaxing and soaking away your worries? The other day, I was feeling like absolute garbage. I was physically unwell, stressed, and generally unhappy. So I poured a bath, soaked until I was a prune, and refilled the tub twice with hot water. I watched a movie and deep conditioned my hair. When I finally found the willpower and the strength to get up, I felt transformed. Soak, reader. SOAK!

Friday:

Why don’t you work on your posture? I’ve always known that I slouch, and for whatever reason, I can’t correct it. I’ve joked before that I think I have undiagnosed scoliosis, but I wonder if that might be true… I’m trying to stretch my spine out more often, I stretched before getting dressed, and I sat up — for the first time in my life, I think — in the car on the way to work. It felt so good. Like I feel stupid for not doing it. I want to get this little device I’ve seen online that buzzes when you let yourself go out of alignment. I think that could change my life.