I Wanna Be On Top

Today was all about my America’s Next Top Model audition tape. I need to get it wrapped up, edited, and sent away to Tyra. She will see the link I send her, click play, gasp, watch the fifteen minute film over and over again, and then rush to her phone to call me and scream, “You are in the running to be America’s Next Model!” We’ll both squeal for awhile and then I’ll pack my bags for LA where I’ll join the other lucky contestants. I wonder if I’ll be the only male, or if my daringly innovative audition will open the doors for other guys who didn’t work quite as hard? I kind of hope I’m the only one so that I can send Isis-like shivers down the spines of the others.

So, we spent the morning filming me exercising. This will make more sense when you see the video. I thoroughly enjoyed doing Hip Hop Abs and 8 Minute Abs in front of the window where surely the neighbors were watching and muttering, “There’s that crazy foreign guy again who sleeps too much.”

Once this was done, Jessica was in a kind of funk, so I tried to cheer her up by putting an outfit together for her. I put together something spectacular, but she just glowered at me saying, “They don’t go together.” Um, hello? I am going to be on America’s Next Top Model, I know a little something about fashion. But, then again, Alexandria kept wearing that ridiculous knitted bonnet. (Even after André specifically told her to take it off! She was so annoying. I will never be like that. I will be the contestant you love from the second you see me to the second I break down in sobs and get my pose on with Tyra while Nigel snaps glorious photo after photo at the finale.)

So, while Jessica was getting ready for the day, I worked on my blog and read some stories on the Internet. David Lebovitz posted his own blog post about going to the Sugarplum Cake Factory, which left me fuming. Couldn’t you have went when I went, David? I’ve been there twice and not one David sighting. Thus far, my David-hunting has not gone well. He must blend into the crowds well.

The video we shot today was a mock go-see to IMG Models. I know, right? Fantastic. I had a lot of fun wandering around the streets, looking confused, tapping maps with irritation, talking to the camera–I was serving reality show realness. We wandered along the Rue Saint-Honoré again and paused in front of the display at Colette, just in case there was somebody inside. We didn’t see any celebrities, so we kept on going. IMG Models was not hard to find, nor was it obvious. There was no sign at all. I was convinced we had the address wrong, but we shot the scene anyway. Later on in the apartment, I found out that it was the right place, you just had to go all the way up to the fifth floor.

With my Academy-Award nominated performance taken care of, we wandered back to the Louvre. At the end of the road was a chocolate shop that I needed to try–odd how that keeps happening. But they were closed–odd how that keeps happening.

There was a lovely stationary shop with miniature colored pencils–and I wanted everything. I have become kind of obsessed with these stores. We also looked in at every restaurant, just in case Karl was lunching somewhere. He wasn’t.

I’ve decided to start sewing my own clothes when I get back home. I want to begin my fashion experiments with cardigans. I love a good cardigan. I will make tame ones in simple colors, exciting ones that have “BITCH” embroidered on them, chic ones that have embroidered cherry blossoms all over them. I can already sense the beginnings of my fashion empire.

We were soon at the Louvre and I stopped by the restroom, I don’t usually share these details, but this story needs shared. So, there I am in restroom, taking care of what I needed to do, when I notice a man next to me openly ogling my genitals. Not entirely sure what one does in a situation like that, I ignored it and went away. It wasn’t flattering like the man who yelled that he liked my ass on the street or the drunk man that tried to kiss me. I suppose I wouldn’t have minded so much if he would have at least complimented me. So rude. I don’t give shows for free.

We decided to have a kind of predinner at the Louvre Food Court. The food is always decent, so I decided to try the vegetable quiche at the French restaurant. It was quite delicious. Even the peas were okay and I don’t usually care for peas. So, I sat there munching away, wondering why Jessica was taking forever. I finished my meal and there was still no Jessica, so I cleared my mess and went in search of her. She had just got out of line, so we sat down again while she had her sandwich. They had given her a second sandwich by mistake, so, Jessica decided to give it to a bum.

On the way home, there was no bum. Jessica was pissed.

We were going to a late picture show at Notre Dame, so I spent the rest of the evening editing my go-see video and listening to the theme song to the show so that I can know every little intonation for when we shoot the credits.

Then, we had our real dinner–tomato soup. So good. I love tomato soup in a box here. I don’t know what it is, but the ingredients are very simple. I’ll have to write them down when I leave so that I can try to recreate it.

For dessert, we had pastries from Miss Manon.

Jessica had the “brownie.” It was like no brownie I had ever had. There were two layers of very dense brownie, sandwiched between a layer of chocolate fudge. Then there was vanilla buttercream piped on top and topped off with a chocolate curl. Tasty, but almost too dense.

I had something called the “Osiris.” I bought it for the name, and because it was pretty. I had never heard of anything like it, so it was a complete surprise. There was a thin chocolate shortbread bottom, then the rest of the pastry was chocolate mousse with raspberry jam in the center. Delicious. It was covered in colored powdered sugar and one side was glazed with chocolate. Raspberries and a cherry were put on top and decorated with gold foil. It was wonderful.

Then it was time to go to the church. We arrived just in time. It was very dark inside and Jessica was insistent on sitting, so she whipped out her wallet and gave the man a donation, who then let us into the seating area. A few minutes later, the show started. Religious art was projected onto a thin sheet of gauze. It was beautiful at first, with interesting music, but then it became monotonous. We left after forty-five minutes. I’m not sure how long it went on.

It was a beautiful evening–cool with gorgeous light and we walked along the river. I kept singing Way Down Upon the Swanee River, even though I only knew about half of the words and just hummed the melody for the most part. Then, Jessica and I switched over to Grease and sang that in a high-pitched falsetto to the pleasure of all those around us.

Good evening.

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