Day 7: Paris [Disneyland]

Today we decided to go to Disneyland. I was far too tired for this and Jessica was way overexcited. I like Disney as much as the next person, but I’m not big on the Magic Kingdom and I don’t like the cold. So I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about going to a giant Magic Kingdom in the damp chill. This is understandable, no? I would have been more than willing to go to EPCOT in the sunshine. Unfortunately for France and for the whole of Europe, they only have a Magic Kingdom and a Hollywood Studios (which is very new and barely has anything in it.)

When I went there the first five or ten times, it was fun, but now I’ve been so much that I no longer have any real desire to do so. But, to please the family, I did it. I sacrifice all the time.

From Paris, it’s super easy to get to Disneyland, you just go sit on the RER for a half hour and when the doors open, there you are. Unfortunately, I’ve never seen the RERs look worse. It was like they were intentionally dirtied. The stations were dark and dank and smelled of urine. The coaches were filled with debris, stained seats, and graffiti covered window. It was like a scene out of a horror movie, and I think it’d be a rather good one, I should start developing that. I have way too many ideas in my head. I need a staff of writers. Can I pay them upon becoming famous? I can’t afford it, yet.

The train chugged along, and though it shut down once (Truly, I’ve never seen the RER in worse condition. I’m a big fan of the RER normally. It’s so quick!), we finally made it to Marne-La-Vallée and out into the fog and cold and wind. It was not pleasant and did not get better…at all…while we were there. I tried to have a good time, but it just wasn’t happening. I don’t function in the cold. It’s not my fault. Well, I suppose it is, but I didn’t choose to have a body that is always cold. Anyway, it was freaking cold. Unreasonably cold. And damp. A mess.

We went to Hollywood Studios first because it takes all of an hour to cover. If that. The Tower of Terror is always fun and I like seeing the Art Deco design of the ride and the gardens that surround it. In my dreams, I have something very similar for my own home. I wouldn’t live in a crumbling hotel, that would be silly, but many of the same elements would be incorporated. I still can’t believe Disney hasn’t build a Hollywood Tower Hotel that serves as an actual hotel. I’d stay there all the time. Hell–I’d buy a room.


After that we went on the Backlot Studio Tour where we heard a lot about the movie Dinotopia, which I’ve never heard of in my life. I’ll look it up. Hold please… I guess it was a terrible television mini series.

Then we finished off the park by going on Crush’s Coaster, a ride based on Finding Nemo and it’s really rather great. It’s a roller coaster that spins around in the dark. Always a good time.


[Everything is fine down under, Jacques. Thank you kindly.]

Done with that, we headed over to Disneyland Park (Magic Kingdom) and were cold and hungry. I wanted to go to Walt’s for the mushroom risotto, which is supposed to be rather good, but Ma and Jess were all, “No! We ain’t ‘gon pay 30 euros for fancy shit.” Whatever. So we went to the effing pizza house. I’m sick to death of going to that place. I don’t ever get pizza there, some boring pasta or something. Being a vegetarian at a theme park can suck sometimes.

Hilariously, this restaurant and seemingly every other restaurant in the park was shut down. Off season, I know, but still, we need to eat! So we went to a place that served the exact same thing but was allegedly themed after Beauty and the Beast. I saw no evidence of this. It seemed just like a German cartoon version of a beerhouse. I had pasta with stewed tomatoes. It doesn’t get plainer than that! I’ve had more interesting food on airplanes. Had a piece of garlic bread, though, so that helped.

I don’t like Fantasyland. Never have and I never ever will. I don’t like those rides or those movies or those stories. Why don’t they make rides out of the good movies like Bedknobs and Broomsticks or The Emperor’s New Groove or Mulan? Just shit like Peter Pan. We went on that ride. I hate that ride. I hate that story. A pedophile-like-manchild kidnaps a group of children and holds them hostage on a foreign, dangerous island. Why is this a story we tell to young folks? I’d rather hear about kittens playing with a ball of yarn and learning a lesson about it. Don’t even get me started on Snow White. And what happened to Mr. Toad? That one didn’t suck.

After this we went on some dumb maze and then through the never ending It’s A Small World. It’s even longer here than in Florida. This time they were singing Jingle Bells. It would not end.

Finally we went to a good part of the park. The Phantom Manor! I’ve been obsessed by this ride long before I rode on it. I always liked the Haunted Mansion in America, but after I bought a book about it’s history, I fell in love with the Parisian version. It tells an actual story, like the one in America seems to finally be doing, but it’s clear. The rich oil baron dislikes the fiancé of his daughter, so on their wedding day, he kills him. The daughter wanders through the manor weeping for the rest of her life and even after her death she continues to mourn her lover. Quite tragic. Rather lovely. Good imagery too. It’s set in an Old West village (the French are just crazy for the Old West, it’s odd.) A good time was had by all.


We were cold and ready to go, so we grabbed our receipts from lunch and went to the bakery. A clever thing they do here is give you a free hot drink if you purchase a meal. When you get the hot drink, you obviously are going to want something else, so they’re making a good income. I had an espresso and a chocolate muffin. Neither extraordinary, but is food ever that great at Disney when you aren’t at a real restaurant? No.



They sold these. And I was excited. And then I looked at the flavors. I gagged a bit. Strawberry. Pistachio. Chocolate. I wasn’t going to buy a box of three macarons with flavors I find repulsive. Not chocolate. I love chocolate.

Back on the train, it didn’t take long until we were back in Paris. We went back to the Saint Paul area and I went to Miss Manon and bought a poppyseed baguette and a lemon meringue tart from my old lady. I love her.


I ate the tart quick back at the apartment and then went with Ma to the Galleries-Lafayette, which I think is the prettiest of the department stores in Paris. I wanted to look at the men’s clothing, but I didn’t see anything that I had to have. So, I went over to the Pierre Hermé kiosque and bought some nibbles. I had a chocolate macaron, an olive oil-mandarin macaron (my favorite that he makes), an Ispahan chocolate and a lemon chocolate. All of them were unreasonably good, but the lemon chocolate was rather extraordinary. It’s a good thing that I have to cross the Atlantic to get to one of his shops. I’d be so fat and poor.



I felt we should do something, so why not go to the Louis Vuitton store on the Champs-Élysées? I was curious about how much a wallet would cost, but the shop was closed. We went to Monoprix and bought a few things and went back home where we feasted again.


These are all over the Métro and I have to try so hard not to inappropriately giggle every single time. To me, Anne Frank and Helen Keller never stop being funny. Maybe that’s just me.

Good evening.

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