Since I was very young, I have been madly in love with Cheerios. I don’t like any other cereal. I find them all repugnant. Why do people want to eat sugar glazed flakes every day? I don’t. I want to have something with grains and delicious like Cheerios. A few years back, I had a case of gastritis — a very aristocratic ailment, mind you (Queen Elizabeth suffered from it recently) — and all that I could consume was my favorite cereal. I had a good time and lost a bit of weight. In hopes of repeating that success, I’ve decided to re-adopt the diet this week. I don’t think I could remain sane with just Cheerios and water, though, so I’ve added the following: peanuts, juice, espresso/tea, and Smarties. I’m not going to be happy without chocolate and cheese, but I will make it through. I know it might seem strange, but I’m looking forward to a massive bowl of Cheerios for dinner. I don’t eat them with milk, I shovel them into my gullet quite dry — much like an animal at a trough.
Author! Author! Blog:
I know that I keep going on and on about working on queries and manuscripts and all sorts of tedious things that go into trying to get a novel published, but I find it fascinating in a rather painful way. It isn’t exactly fun to edit a draft. It is fun, though, to learn about all the things I had done wrong. When I first wrote my manuscript, I made it look like an actual book. I found a specific font and a specific page size and thought that I was all kinds of professional, but thank Allah, I found the Author! Author! Blog. It has restructured my brain and shown me how professionals do their work. I like to see what I do and create look proper, so, I have read and read dozens of the surely thousands of lengthy articles on all matters of writing and publishing tips. I’m kind of obsessed and feel much more confident in my writing now after reading it. I can’t believe what a mess I had before.
I, like every other decent humor loving citizen of earth, am obsessed with Grumpy Cat. Who could resist that sad face, piercing eyes, and compact body shape? Nobody, I say!
Well, little did I know that there were other celebrity felines out in the memeosphere (I just made that word up, I like it, it’s the Internet world of memes. Loves it!) Last week, I discovered Colonel Meow and he has quickly skyrocketed to equal Grumpy Cat as the feline of my passionate obsession. Look at him! What is he? Is he a Persian? Is he a hybrid of the fluffiest creatures ever conceived? Where do I adopt his spawn? He’s the most evil cat on the planet and I love him dearly. I want to cuddle with him all day long and do his bidding and be his slave. Taken out of context, that would look a bit crazy. I’m sure my political adversaries will some day be delighted to come across this gem and use it as propaganda against me. I will overcome their cruel libel and with Colonel Meow as my guiding force, I will win whatever it is I’m trying to win — I assume the presidency. The West Wing is going to get one hell of a redesign. Martha Stewart will be my advisor. It will be like Christmas every day.
Vetiver Vert Cologne by Czech & Speake:
In my ongoing quest to find my new signature fragrance, this is the one currently at the top of my list. It’s expensive, but I should be able to pick up a bottle in New York City when I’m there this summer. Still working out the kinks on that one. I don’t want to spend too much money, but, you know, it’s New York. And, if there’s anything I love it’s shopping followed by eating in fancy restaurants followed by another restaurant and then a new pair of shoes. I need a high paying job. How does one become a Kardashian? One of life’s eternal mysteries, I suppose, the injustice of being clever, pretty, and adventurous without having the creative outlet to apply these gifts. Le sigh… What am I writing about…cologne, yes. I’m wearing Dior right now, but I think I applied a smidgen too much in my fatigued primping this morning. It smells lovely, but it has an undertone of lilac muddled with carcass. Not exactly appealing, you know? It lasts a long time, though, and that is the main thing that I’m looking for in my signature scent. My Chanel did not last more than half the day and that was unacceptable. Vetiver Vert, on the other hand, lasts and lasts and I love the way it smells. I don’t really know how to describe the scent to you — it’s rich and masculine and clean and I wish they made scratch and sniff computer screens. I’m going to definitely get a bottle soon, when I’m not destitute after paying off the last bit of my European Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to have to pay for New York and Christmas in Cairo!
Beyoncé’s “Grown Woman:”
My adoration for Beyoncé is known to all and it should come as no shock to you that I am obsessed with her new song. It hasn’t been released, yet; all we have is this low-quality footage from her concert in Paris:
I need to control myself. Can you imagine anything more divine than attending a Beyoncé concert in Paris where she debuted a new song that is sure to be my new treadmill jam? I’d die. I’d just die. I’ve already planned my day. I’d wake, stretch luxuriously and after getting myself into a simple, but elegant outfit, I’d walk down to my favorite boulangerie, Miss Manon. I’d chat with the staff a bit then take a croissant, tart, and coffee out to a table where I’d read my emails while being fully content with life. I’d stroll along the river, picking up trinkets and interesting little things at the Bouquinistes stalls that line the Seine. I’d cut across the Tuileries and head onto the Rue Saint-Honore to do some shopping for the concert. I’m sure I’d find something to wear at the new Karl Lagerfeld shop — perhaps fingerless gloves and a shirt with Karl’s face on it? I’d stop by the Marché aux Fleurs for some postcards, a bouquet, and perhaps a canary on my way back to the apartment and get myself all dolled up. Dinner at Café de Flore, where I’d surely bump into somebody in the fashion industry, and then hit the metro to Bercy. Ah, life would be grand. Beysus Christ, my lord and light, mother of the born again savior, Blue Ivy, please release your new album on the world so that we may sing your praises and worship your holy message to dance.
I have discovered that there is actually something worse than hearing your own voice, it’s reading your own writing! I’ve grown accustomed to the annoying sound my voice makes on recordings — I’m to the point where it no longer irritates me, yet still causes an occasional grimace. You can’t grow accustomed to writing, though. Some days my prose is quite nice and other days it’s as awkward and uncomfortable as a camel race. I’ve sadly never taken part in a camel race so I’m not sure this simile is accurate, but I can only imagine it would be awkward and uncomfortable. I thought that I had finished my last edit of Terrible Miss Margo, but I realize now that I’m only in the beginning stages. Even after I edit it enough to feel confident enough to send it to agents, I’ve read that they will still expect it to be further tweaked and enhanced before they submit to editors and publishers. Last night I started a really intense edit. I’m trying to read it as if it is not my own work and that’s been quite helpful, but it’s still rather stressful. I’m doing ten pages a day. Hopefully I’m making the right choices and editing correctly and using the right punctuation marks. Do you know how stressful a dash is? (Very.)
If sleep and I were married, I would file for a divorce and say that he abused me. That was an odd introduction. I have always had trouble sleeping, but had been doing better lately. Annoyingly, my old insomnia is back. I don’t know what causes it. I’m not too much more stressed than normal, I don’t have anything extraordinary on my mind — I just cannot stop thinking. My very active imagination has always plagued me. When I close my eyes I begin fantasizing about a vast array of situations. Last night I was wandering around a souk in Cairo and then delivering an impassioned speech at Congress and then renovating the summer kitchen. I wish I had this much energy when I was up and about. In the day, I’m all: No! I’m doing nothing. As soon as it’s time for reasonable people to go to bed, I’m finally ready to begin my day and it’s awfully annoying. I need a job where I work at night. It’s surely something chemical, so I could probably take pills, but then I would have to go to a doctor and I rarely go to doctors. Nothing against them, just not something I do.
I tried and I tried and then I tried again, but I’m just not an exercise person. I don’t like flailing my limbs about in the vain hope that a muscle will form there. I have seen the results of exercise — I have three abs, mind you — but getting them has not ever been a pleasant endeavor. Sweating is for peasants! Since I consider myself one of the gentry, I don’t take kindly to push-ups and crunches and all manner of Draconian tortures. Much like my should-be BFF Joan Rivers once said, “If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the ground.” Girl, I feel you. Now, don’t be me wrong, I do enjoy a hearty walk and a jaunt on my bicycle around the countryside, but beyond that it seems far too cruel. People who say they love the gym, for example — really? You love sweating it up on an elliptical? Nobody actually does. People are liars, as we all know to be true. I understand that endorphins are released with exercise that put people in a good mood, but, do you know what else makes me feel good? Chocolate. Cheese. Bread. Tanning. Baking. Eating, in general.
Team Jinkx or Team Alaska:
I’m really stressed out, guys. In less than two weeks, we will know the winner of this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the most important reality competition in the history of television. I live for this show. It brings me such unbridled joy. I have loved it from the moment I laid eyes on it and I have never faltered in my devotion. This season is just as amazing as the rest have been, and I’m thrilled that my two favorites, Jinkx and Alaska, have made it to the final three — odds are in favor of one of them winning, so I’m glad. I’m torn, though, about who I want to win most. All season, I’ve been rooting for Jinkx — I chatted with David Sedaris about this just a few weeks back. We were both hoping she’d get the crown, but, I love Alaska. She is so funny and I love the hooker look she does and I think she’s a confident performer. Jinkx, too, is amazing — I mean, after that Little Eddie bit she pulled — how could she not win? So, if one of these two wins, I’ll be glad. I am already anxious for the next season to begin. I just love drag queens so much!
This conundrum is driving me absolutely mental. I have heard the arguments for both sides and have still to make my decision. I have always inserted one space after a period. To me, it looks fine and makes perfect sense. To others, though, it is absolutely sacrilegious and they look down upon you as if you’re an untrained heathen. Now, for the matters of my website, and anywhere on the Internet, I believe, it doesn’t matter how many spaces you insert, something about the HTML coding readjusts it to one space. Confused? I am. I tried once to understand HTML, but I gave up about ten minutes in, why not just write what you want to appear and have it appear. Whatever happened to copy and paste? I can’t be alone here. Generally, this kind of thing wouldn’t bother me whatsoever, but I’m very determined to look professional when I submit my manuscript to literary agents — if they want to see it at all, that is! This is much more work than I even thought it would be, and I thought it would be next to impossible. Now, I’m all — I don’t want to get into it, it will only depress me — hopeful that I’m good enough to just get a manuscript request. I’ve read that editors like double spaces because it lets them have more room to make notes and I’ve read that editors get pissed at double spaces because they have to reformat later. It’s all stressful. After taking a poll and asking various acquaintances, I have decided to go for a double space in my manuscript. I thought it was going to be a pain, but I remembered my favorite word processing trick — find and replace! You tell it to look for a period followed by one space and replace it with a period followed by two, click go and you’re done. Easy. I still confused about which is proper, but a long as I stick to one, I hope that will be acceptable.