A Word From Reverend Benjamin #3

Holla Flock!

It’s been a long time. Since I’m sure you’re a loyal reader of my blog, you know where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to. No, I didn’t marry Zac Efron in Hollywood — I’m sure there was a simple miscommunication someplace. Happens all the time. I’m not worried.

I’m sure you have some idea what I’ll be talking about today since I gave Miley Cyrus a sainthood last time. No, I have not revoked it, WHY WOULD I? We’ll get into that in a minute. Now, we have to sing our first song. Open up your hymnals to our Saint Miley’s new single, “Wrecking Ball.”

#sanasa! Did you feel the spirit move you? I did.

Alright, now. Stop making fun of Miley, flock. You remember the basic tenants of this religion, don’t you? REFRESHER: adopt kittens, be kind to people, visit a tailor, and marry homosexuals. Do you see where you’ve sinned? You must be kind to Miley even if you don’t understand her art. That’s what it was after all. Let’s see what google has to say on the word art:

Producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.

Duh, flock. You weren’t appreciating ART. You must feel like fools, and as well you should.

Now, onto the latest sainthoods that I’ve approved:

1) All the boys of One Direction, even Niall. But especailly…well, all of them.

2) Ina Garten, for obvious reasons.

3) Martha Stewart. She’s basically god.

Bow down to them, flock.

Speaking of “bow down,” we have some #sanasas that need sent out to the needy. Keep them in your thoughts:

1) Beyoncé has obviously been struck by a terrible case of amnesia and has forgotten to release her new album. Send her well wishes so that she can give us her holy testament.

2) Miley must be suffering terribly during these hard times as the PRUDISH Americans give her a horrible time for creating ART! So what if you didn’t like it.

3) Me. I’m preparing to send out manuscript queries in hopes of publishing my first novel, Terrible Miss Margo. I’ve done as much as I can without hiring a personal editor. GIVE ME YOUR WELL WISHES AND #SANASAS.

I know that you’ve got things to do, like catch up on Honey Boo Boo, so I’ll wrap up here. Remember to be good to people, but especially remember to visit the tailor. You could look so much better.

Close us out BOYS!