[Is the power of my beautiful new turtleneck overwhelming you? Believe me, I understand. I love this thing. Me and my future husband are bringing them back.]

Holla Flock!

I’m back from my sabbatical. It wasn’t really a sabbatical, I just wanted to write sabbatical. It was Winter Break, something I dearly love and appreciate. It’s one of the great perks of being an educator. Helping the children is great, too, but those breaks! I finally have to opportunity to discuss the sermon I’ve been meaning to write since early December. Before we get started, though, please open your hymnals to “Pretty Hurts,” by my good friend, BEYONCÉ.

And now watch this, because it’s flawless and your reverend loves him some sign language:

That was a very fitting lead-in to today’s sermon because it is all about the beauty industry — the modeling world in particular. I hear endless complaints from everyday folk and I read an amazing amount of negativity on the Internet about models. Generally this goes along the lines of, “EAT A BURGER,” or “EW GROSS YOU LOOK UNHEALTHY.” I hate reading this and it makes me very upset. People who are thin oftentimes are just thin. Sometimes they have eating disorders, but not every person who can fit into a sample size is starving themselves. I get it too and I’m not even that skinny. I was once called a disgusting Ethiopian, which was not only tasteless but very rude to the nation of Ethiopia. Why is it my fault that I’m thin and why is it acceptable for people to demean me for it? If I were to tell a fat person they were disgusting, I would be crucified. It’s a very hypocritical world, flock, one that bothers me tremendously.

As a one-time potential candidate (called back for a very exclusive interview, mind you) for America’s Next Top Model, I can empathize with this industry and its demands. You have to be physically perfect and you have no idea how hard this is. Being thin is the hardest job in the world. You can dedicate yourself to sculpting musculature and slaving away over it without seeing results. You can watch what you eat, making sure you are eating good food, and still not have an ab. Girl, I know these things to be true. I know what hard work it is — and that’s what it is — IT’S WORK.

These people are paid to look beautiful. Most of us aren’t. We are paid to make food or write articles or teach. We aren’t paid for our physical attributes — unless we’re models or actors or prostitutes (and let’s be honest, each of those are living the dream.) Why do so many people think it’s alright to judge these laborers so cruelly for doing their job. Staying fit is harder work than almost anything else I’ve ever done. We should applaud models for their dedication to their craft, not demean them for being thin. I just don’t understand people. People are awful.

Don’t be an awful person, please, flock. When you open up your next issue of GQ or watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, why not congratulate these beautiful people instead of openly insulting them? It’s crueler than you realize. Let them be an inspiration in perseverance to you.

That’s all for this week. May Beyoncé bless you and keep you and bring you peace.