Monday:

Why don’t you stop buying bottles of juice and dedicate yourself entirely to juicing? I have a citrus juicer and I always forget how simple and tasty the fresh orange juice is. Besides, store-bought juice is full of shit. Not real shit. Just shitty chemicals.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you plant a weeping willow tree in your yard, or if you don’t have a yard, in somebody else’s lawn? These are the loveliest types of tree and I’m very sad I don’t have an allée of ancient willows with long fronds that billow on the gentle summer breeze.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you give everything up and become a Transylvanian hay farmer? Life here in the modern world is too stressful, and I’ve had just about enough. I imagine it would be such grand relief to spend my days mowing hay with a scythe, getting strong, making new Transylvanian acquaintances, and enjoying the simple pleasures of the peasantry.

Thursday:

Why don’t you look into spending some time at a monastic retreat? I’m not a religious person, but recently I’ve become rather enamored of escaping for a week or a month or forever to a place where nobody is allowed to talk, where you have to peel back the stresses and strains of the everyday and find peace. There’s a monastery within decent range of me here. Perhaps I will spend some time there before I leave for Europe.

Friday:

Why don’t you plan a vacation to a place very near to you? I always forget that I live two hours away from Omaha — connected easily by bus and I think trains. They even have Uber cabs, which really touches my heart. There’s great food and hotels and zoos and shops and I don’t really know why I’ve never bothered to go for a little vacation.