Monday:
Why don’t you buy all of your pants with a 2% spandex blend? I was opposed to things of this variety for years because I’m pretentious and think that you should suffer for fashion, but now I understand why everybody wears things like this. I also understand how Harry Styles can move so freely on stage without compromising his masculinity. I picked up a pair of black pants at Forever 21 in Chicago, since the other pair I had worn through Europe and Africa was barely there (literally), and I haven’t looked back. I can jump and kick and dance. I don’t routinely do these things, but what a change it’s made! Shop, readers.

Tuesday:
Why don’t you take a surgical vacation this year instead of something more traditional? I think it would be the epitome of fun to head off to Los Angeles for a month and get a bunch of plastic surgery. I’d get my eyes fixed with lasers, I would definitely get myself a Brazilian butt lift, I’d get the mandatory Hollywood rhinoplasty, and I’d surely get every inch of my skin rejuvenated by laser dermatology. I’d come home glowing. I think I just might. Be the you you dream of.

Wednesday:
Why don’t you plant a grove of trees that you love? I want to have one of weeping willows to sit beneath, watching the fronds wave back and forth, reading a book, dozing off, or scrolling through my iPhone. I think it’d be terribly cheerful to wrap the base and big branches with little lights, and then sit out there of an evening with a cocktail, loving life, and enjoying the simple pleasures of nature. It’s just too bad that trees take forever to mature. Oh well, plant them anyway, save the planet.

Thursday:
Why don’t you start a new, very mild fitness regime? I really don’t mind being active and exercising, but whenever I decide to be fit, I inevitably force myself to do far too much. It takes hours instead of maybe one, so I find that I don’t have time for it and end up not doing anything at all. I’ve realized that a little bit is better than nothing, so I’m trying to figure out a reasonable set of things to do to fit in between work and college and trying to get a reasonable amount of sleep. I think I’ll get there. Or I might just bake a cake. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Friday:
Why don’t you invent some medicine or food that will wake me up? I think I’m immune to caffeine. It doesn’t get me going the way it does for other people, and I think that is one of the greatest misfortunes of my life. With the amount of coffee and tea I consume per day, I should have enough energy to singlehandedly conquer global terrorism. Instead, I can barely get up in the morning, and then when I get home after work, I can barely accomplish anything without a nap. It’s probably MS…dear god, have I had that longer than I thought? Anyway, I want to pop a pill or take a sip and BE ALIVE AND AWAKE. Make this, reader. Please!