Why Don’t You? #111


Why don’t you buy all of your pants with a 2% spandex blend? I was opposed to things of this variety for years because I’m pretentious and think that you should suffer for fashion, but now I understand why everybody wears things like this. I also understand how Harry Styles can move so freely on stage without compromising his masculinity. I picked up a pair of black pants at Forever 21 in Chicago, since the other pair I had worn through Europe and Africa was barely there (literally), and I haven’t looked back. I can jump and kick and dance. I don’t routinely do these things, but what a change it’s made! Shop, readers.

Why don’t you take a surgical vacation this year instead of something more traditional? I think it would be the epitome of fun to head off to Los Angeles for a month and get a bunch of plastic surgery. I’d get my eyes fixed with lasers, I would definitely get myself a Brazilian butt lift, I’d get the mandatory Hollywood rhinoplasty, and I’d surely get every inch of my skin rejuvenated by laser dermatology. I’d come home glowing. I think I just might. Be the you you dream of.

Why don’t you plant a grove of trees that you love? I want to have one of weeping willows to sit beneath, watching the fronds wave back and forth, reading a book, dozing off, or scrolling through my iPhone. I think it’d be terribly cheerful to wrap the base and big branches with little lights, and then sit out there of an evening with a cocktail, loving life, and enjoying the simple pleasures of nature. It’s just too bad that trees take forever to mature. Oh well, plant them anyway, save the planet.

Why don’t you start a new, very mild fitness regime? I really don’t mind being active and exercising, but whenever I decide to be fit, I inevitably force myself to do far too much. It takes hours instead of maybe one, so I find that I don’t have time for it and end up not doing anything at all. I’ve realized that a little bit is better than nothing, so I’m trying to figure out a reasonable set of things to do to fit in between work and college and trying to get a reasonable amount of sleep. I think I’ll get there. Or I might just bake a cake. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Why don’t you invent some medicine or food that will wake me up? I think I’m immune to caffeine. It doesn’t get me going the way it does for other people, and I think that is one of the greatest misfortunes of my life. With the amount of coffee and tea I consume per day, I should have enough energy to singlehandedly conquer global terrorism. Instead, I can barely get up in the morning, and then when I get home after work, I can barely accomplish anything without a nap. It’s probably MS…dear god, have I had that longer than I thought? Anyway, I want to pop a pill or take a sip and BE ALIVE AND AWAKE. Make this, reader. Please!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s