Monday:

Why don’t you get Coolsculpting instead of working out? As a skinny fat person (look it up. Very real), I’m obsessed with this. You go to a clinic and they freeze your fat, then the fat dies, and it’s carried out of your body, and you’re done. Fabulous. It takes a few months to see results and costs a couple thousand dollars. I’m down for this. Now that I have multiple sclerosis and will probably never be eligible for LASIK, I think this will be my first surgery. I can’t wait. I hate the cold, but I hate the fat I can’t rid myself of no matter what I do even more.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you go for spells without technology? I am inundated by podcasts, classes, Great Courses lectures, and pop culture. And it’s exhausting to know that I’ll never be caught up with it all. We live in a time with just too much constant information. Every generation has their stresses but ours must be insanely strained. I read that middle schoolers today have the stress of Victorian psychiatric inmates. I wonder how true that is? So I decided to ignore my phone for awhile and go for a walk untethered. It was so nice to go for a walk and just walk and look at the trees.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you help me get a European husband so that I can have dual citizenship and get the hell out of here? I always disdained people who spoke this way after presidential elections, but I now totally comprehend their feelings. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel ill. I feel betrayed and disappointed. If I had the money, I would be building my house in Luxor right now and hiding out until my sad nation comes to its senses. I fear it won’t for so long. I’m devastated.

Thursday:

Why don’t you buy a bunch of good frozen meals for work or nights when you just can’t be bothered? The stuff at Trader Joe’s is delicious, especially the Indian food. The other day I had a frozen lentil dish from Target for lunch, and it was shockingly fabulous. Who knew frozen food wasn’t just Salisbury steak and nasty macaroni? This is how it is in Europe not America! I am stunned, reader. I will be loading up my freezer soon with emergency nibbles. I’ll never have abs. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Friday:

Why don’t you write Hillary a heartfelt letter? It’s going to take me a long time to understand what happened on election night. It’s going to take me longer to come to terms with what’s going on culturally in America. I never knew that I lived in such a bubble. I need to thank Hillary for representing everything I believe in. She deserves to know that I truly appreciate the work she’s done and that I will cling to democratic ideology until my dying day. America has changed profoundly in ways I didn’t expect, but I think I’ll  feel better when I post my letter. I will always be with her.