Monday:

Why don’t you spend some time cleaning up your yard? I’m not talking about trash or a dishwasher on the curb you can’t get rid of. I’m talking landscaping. I spent the better part of yesterday removing dead branches out of my trees and I barely made a dent. They’re absolutely loaded with them and the trees look so much healthier when they have a bit more room to breathe. My body aches today from the effort, but it was absolutely worth it. I’ll be going out again shortly!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you download the Cameo app and have a minor celebrity send you a message? If there’s somebody there that you adore, the money you spend pays enormous dividends. I had Mama June (of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and Mama June: From Not to Hot fame) send a video to Jessica. It was INSANE. She gave advice, said our names, sent well wishes and gave her love. I can’t tell you how delightful it was. Get on Cameo today! 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you explain Disney people to me? I’ve been to the Disney parks around the world more times than I can count, and I usually enjoy it (except for one particularly vile time in Paris where I was forced to eat a taquito, shamed for not having a chip card, and nearly gave myself a concussion when the ice cream stand was out of the type of ice cream I needed to soothe my soul and throat…long story), but I have never wanted to have my house made to look like a ride. I was really perturbed by the revelation that Drake Bell lives in a home with memorabilia in every room. I get liking a movie and I get liking a culture, but this is something I absolutely don’t understand. I don’t want to sound judgmental because I’d do a room up like ancient Egypt if I could. I get obsession. And I do gladly own a book about the history of the Haunted Mansion…but I don’t want my dining room chairs to be Doom Buggies. I should just let people enjoy what they enjoy. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you recreate your favorite restaurants during this wild time of pandemics? I’ve been working on my Latin American cooking, which was hardly existent to begin with, and it’s been such fun. And I’m really proud of some of the results. Right now, I’m working on making pupusas, a delicious treat from El Salvador that is an unholy combination of melted cheese and masa. They’re fried on the griddle and they’re marvelous. Yesterday I made the slaw and salsa that goes with them. If I can’t go to a restaurant, at least I’ll have a little taste of going out. 

Friday:

Why don’t you do yourself a favor and follow Britney Spears on Instagram? You don’t know how wonderful and insane a ride you’re in for. She’ll dance, she’ll twirl, she’ll tell you riveting stories about burning down her gym in a scented candle kerfuffle, she’ll postulate on the benefits of communism, she’ll pose every single day in the same position wearing the exact same ruffled peasant top. And she’s never mad or sad. Sometimes she’s disappointed in us, but never in herself. Just today she said she was smiling for her haters and it was truly something beautiful to behold. [UPDATE: She just introduced us to peek-a-boo, used a hat as a steering wheel, and then gave us all her angles. It was wild. What a star.]