Why don’t you buy a ridiculously expensive toothbrush? I’ve been obsessed with the Philips DiamondClean Smart Sonicare toothbrush for ages. Not because it does anything particularly unique, but because it charges wirelessly in a glass. And that’s the future, y’all! I decided to treat myself to a new electric toothbrush and it’s here and it is INSANE. An app shows me where I brushed well, and how my pressure application was, and it alerts me when I need to brush, and it even orders replacement brushes by itself. It’s legit wild. Makes my old toothbrush feel like a cheap toy. I think this is the most luxurious thing I own. You all need one. It charges in a CUP!

Why don’t you make sure you never sign up for your healthcare provider’s online record management service thing? I did the other day because I wanted to read about my MRIs. It was riveting. I love neurology. Then, foolishly, I started clicking around the other vitals and conditions and whatnot and it DARED TO TELL ME THAT I HAVE A HIGH BMI. I’m already well aware. I didn’t need this kind of abuse. So now I suppose I have to diet or count calories or actually move. Or get surgery. That’s more reasonable, I think. GET THIS PANDEMIC OVER WITH SO I CAN GET LIPOSUCTION.

Why don’t you treat yourself to an iPad Pro so that you can purchase the amazing new Magic Keyboard? I hate the name, but this is one of the more intriguing things Apple has released in years. It’s a case for the iPad, but it has an amazing keyboard and trackpad built into it and the keys are BACKLIT! In a few seconds it turned my beloved iPad Pro into a laptop that I can take anywhere with me…when we can start going places again. I’m thoroughly impressed. Like honestly, it’s just as nice (nicer…?) as my MacBook. I might use the iPad more often now. I’m doing this on one and I would NEVER have done that without a keyboard. It’s nice to be surprised by something in these awful times.

Why don’t you experiment with new cooking techniques while you have all this free time? I’ve taken to cooking everything en papillote for a quick and easy dinner. This is basically a parchment pocket that you stuff with thinly sliced vegetables and other proteins that will cook quickly. I’m loving doing it with cod. I’m also broiling more than ever. Food comes out so flavorful with a little char. I love that when quarantine is over, so many of us will be master chefs!

Why don’t you just get over something you don’t like doing and just do it? I go through spurts in my life where I’m really into diet and moderate exercise. I’m also really into luxury and decadent lethargy, which is extraordinarily unhelpful. Those two really don’t agree with each other. Last night I realized that I was sick to death of doing nothing and spending all day eating. It hasn’t been good on my waist, dear reader. So, I willingly — WILLINGLY — ran for a bit today. It wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t the worst thing that has ever happened to me. So maybe there’s hope for me yet? I’m just glad the Olympics were delayed so that now I can join.

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