Celebrities and Kmart Thongs

I still hate that grocery store. For breakfast I had the brown rice puffs that I bought. I expected them to be crispy and slightly salty, but they were just crunchy and flavorless. They stuck to my teeth and I had to gargle with orange juice to remove the horrid residue. The only thing that made the situation any better was an episode of The Simple Life. I’m watching one or two every day now. I’m obsessed again. Well, my obsession was never really over, it was just on hiatus. That show could bring about world peace if everybody would just sit down and watch all the episodes in one long wonderful marathon — preferably on an exceedingly comfortable couch with a massive bowl of rice chips and cottage cheese. That’s my snack of choice. Maybe that’s just me?

I tried out the Bialetti machine that I picked up yesterday and discovered that the oven here has three gas settings: HOT, HELL, and INFERNO. No matter where I set the flame it’s on HIGH. I find it ridiculous. Not good for that espresso machine since they require a more gentle heat. So, I’ll have to experiment with that. Thankfully I had a hazelnut-chocolate mousse tart from Susina bakery to enjoy after finding that the coffee I paid for tastes of somebody’s horrible French vanilla roast. I was very annoyed.

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It was hot out today and I made a poor decision about my outfit — too much — but I’m getting a lot of sunburns and I really don’t want to be disgustingly covered in wrinkles in my old age. I’m already sure that I’m getting every surgery done when required, so I’m ready for it, I just don’t want to need it earlier than other people my age. People who don’t like plastic surgery are so exhausting. Actually, anybody who expresses their disinterests annoys me. Except for me and the people I like (unless I like the thing they dislike, obviously.) If you don’t like something, just don’t have anything to do with it. If you don’t like plastic surgery, keep your ugly nose. If you don’t like Judaism, stay out of the temples. If you don’t like cabbage, don’t order it. If you don’t like same-sex marriage, don’t marry a man (or woman, it depends on who’s reading.)

Today, I decided to do some celebrity hunting and headed out to the Grove. The Grove is an outdoor mall that has lots of lovely shops and is where EXTRA tapes. But more importantly than that, the vast majority of people are incredibly well dressed and ridiculously attractive. I’m vain and think the world of myself, but some of the gentleman I see there make me want to stop and applaud them. I don’t know where they all came from, but that’s not important.

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I found the spot where they film EXTRA and got myself as close to the front as possible. I was like one row back. Mario Lopez was interviewing somebody named Leeza Gibbons. None of us knew who she was. She has an Emmy for something. It was more exciting to see Mario, he’s an actual celebrity. He also has no ass. Either that, or he was wearing poorly fitted jeans. They fit well in other places. During the interview, I felt like Lucy, and kept staring into the camera. Look for that on television at some point in the future, reader!

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The next guest was Perez Hilton and that’s who I came to see, so I delightedly pushed and shoved my way to the front as I watched Mario get attacked by a young woman — or a short old woman — who screamed at him, “I’M JUST A POOR GIRL WHO’S A FAN, MARIO! MARIO! MARIO! MARIO! MARIO!!!!!” I think she got a picture with him. It started a frenzy. I got an even better place.

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This is an outdoor air conditioner. IT’S AMAZING.

Perez was late and it was HOT. Hot even for me. EXTRA kindly gave me some sunscreen and bottled water. Good of them.

People kept coming up and demanding, “Who’s gonna be here?”

“Perez Hilton.”

“PARIS HILTON!!!”

“No…Perez.”

“Oh…alright then.”

That happened no less than four times. Finally, Perez came out and I was disappointed that he still had his horrible hair. He has horrible hair all over. Also very sweaty. He seemed personable, but hard to like — not totally genuine. He doesn’t need to be. He’s famous. I forgive celebrities everything. Why do you think I’m still retweeting Amanda Bynes after she insulted my beloved, Zac Efron? I will never totally forget that one, actually. HOW DARE SHE?

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Perez handed out vouchers for his new compilation album, Pop Up 2. I haven’t listened to it, yet, but I’ll give it a go soon. Maybe I’ll do that thing that EVERYBODY does around here and run around the city. Why would you want to do that? I don’t understand the Los Angelenos. They don’t walk anywhere, I’ve never seen any of them on a bike, they drive everywhere and they occasionally hike. The only place you see people walking is the parking lot — oh, and Hollywood Boulevard, but that’s mainly a slut parade with about 43% creepy hobo.

I still had a while to wait so I went to Jamba Juice. It seemed very LA, you know. So, I ordered something with a bunch of boosts. You can get vitamin boosts and energy boosts — surely a bunch of hocus pocus. It was supposed to be ready in about three minutes. It took about twenty. I had nothing but time to kill, so I watched the eye candy stroll around while waiting for my smoothie. It finally came out and I enjoyed it with these weird potato chips that say they aren’t fried or baked. How else do you make a chip, though? Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a woman eyeing me, so I subtly eyed her and discovered she was sketching something. From the frequency of her looks, I was fairly confident it was me. Very flattering! I didn’t have all day, though, so I got up, threw away my cup and circled back so I could sneakily look at her sketchpad. IT WAS ME. It was just the outline of my profile, but I was impressed. I kind of feel bad she didn’t get to fill the rest of it in with me as a live model. Have you ever been a live model before? I did it once on the Internet. It was very late at night and I was very bored. The picture wasn’t that great. He didn’t do my nose right at all. This girl could actually draw.

I wandered around some more and found myself at Topman. I just never like it there. I adore their clothes, want to wear it all, would gladly browse around, but it is just such an unwelcoming environment. Why, I wonder? That surely can’t be something the company wants. I saw a pair of leopard print shoes and fell in love with them immediately.

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They were originally $130 and were selling for half price and my fingers were itching for them, but I forced myself to leave the store. I need to save money so that I can do important things like eat. But then I remembered those pink shoes that I saw at the Mall of America that I wanted so badly and how much I regret every pair of shoes I pass up and decided to go back and get them on my way home. You can never have enough shoes (or hats. or gloves. Holla at the AB FAB reference? If you don’t get it, I’ll help you:)

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To kill a bit more time before joining the line to see the season premiere screening of Giuliana & Bill, I went to Sprinkles cupcake shop and had one with all sorts of chocolate. It was pretty good. I wanted to get the “ROYAL BABY REVEAL!” cupcake, but then I realized that Sprinkles cupcake shop would be one of the last places to know what the gender of the royal baby is. Plus it had a marshmallow filling, and I don’t eat marshmallows — animal bones and skin, you know? If you didn’t, you’d better sit down and read what gelatin is. You’re in for a shock.

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I finally went to the Pacific theater, which is gorgeous, and got in line for the showing. It took ages, but for some reason, I don’t mind standing around mindlessly for a couple hours if there is going to be a celebrity at the end of it all. I was one of the only gentlemen in the line and was surrounded by girls who went to something they call fashion school. “Fashion school?” I asked, confused, “Aren’t you just born with a sense of style?”

That really pissed them off. I didn’t mean to. But, I mean, really? I understand design school and art school but fashion school? It goes up there with learning how to be an interior designer. You don’t need lessons, you just need taste. You can’t learn taste, either, you have to have it within your soul. Perhaps I’m missing something that they teach you in the lessons — I never was big on education.

Cameras came and asked us to say a bit about Giuliana & Bill and the Style Network. Of course, I accepted the microphone and started blathering on and smiling at the camera — an executive might see this, they probably need a news anchor — and I did a remarkable job. I always do when it comes to public speaking, but reader, I bullshitted my way through the whole thing. I’ve never seen an episode of Giuliana & Bill in my life and I don’t even know if I get the Style Network. #YOLO!

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Right on time, which was nice, Giuliana and Bill arrived and waved to us and talked to us and they’re just so nice. They were lovely! In fact, I felt a little starstruck by them. I haven’t been starstruck since Jessica and I saw Dita Von Teese at Colette in Paris. That was a fun day.

Soon, we were given free popcorn and Sprite (which is actually good — who am I?) and ushered into a theater where we were given something called a cakewich — they were really trying to butter us up, I think.

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I devoured everything, as you do, and thoroughly enjoyed the show. I’ll be tuning in for sure. It’s funny and charming and it’s reality television and if you know me, I’ll watch any kind of reality television. It’s one of my charming flaws. The show was about Giuliana and Bill’s first days with their new baby, Duke, balancing their professional and personal lives, and buying a gorgeous townhouse in Chicago. Later in the Q&A, they revealed that they’d gutted the place. I began to weep. It was beautiful as it was. It could have used a bit of updating, yes, but gutting it?

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The Q&A was lots of fun and Giuliana said “YOU SHITTY LITTLE BABY!” which caused me — and basically only me — to burst into laughter. Some people are such prudes! Not Giuliana and I. They wrapped the Q&A before they got to my question: “Can you PLEASE get me tickets to FASHION POLICE?” Which, I realize now, was probably for the best. It would have been kind of rude, but another girl demanded that Giuliana give her resume to the uppers at E!, so I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad.

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Afterwards, I tried to get a picture with them, but the theater kicked all of us out, including the celebrities. It was really rather rude of them, but Giuliana and Bill were utterly charming and they’re basically my favorite people in Los Angeles.

I went to Kmart, which is right next to the Grove — how does a place like Kmart stay in business? Does anybody go to Kmart? I went for some sunscreen and Cheerios. They didn’t sell Cheerios. So, I browsed a bit through the clothing. You never know when you might find a cheap wardrobe staple. I needed some new undershirts, so I went and perused and found men’s thongs. I found this peculiar. Not because of the thong itself — wear what you like — it just seemed like a strange place to find a thong. Target doesn’t sell thongs, nor does Walmart. Curious, that. They had a camouflage design.

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I went to Whole Foods afterwards to get some food. They have a massive selection of macarons. Maybe I’ll go back for a few tonight. I love macarons, but they’re so rarely any good here in America. That amuses me. I love bad pastries because they make me feel superior. I finally found Cheerios and orange juice, so I was glad. I can’t find cottage cheese anywhere. Is that not a California thing?

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