Mummies As Cocoon:


Ancient Aliens is one of my favorite television programs, but it’s very hit or miss. Ever since the first two seasons finished, it seems as if they ran short of ideas and many of the episodes were boring rehash of other episodes. Last week’s episode was the first one that’s really made me think for a long time. I’m still blown away by some of the information detailed in it. The episode was about alien insects, which I wasn’t into at all. I don’t do bugs. But, the opening half was all about insects in ancient Egypt, so of course I perked right up. It was just an offhand comment about mummies being wrapped in linen as if they were being put into a cocoon, but it made my brain explode. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! I had never really questioned why ancient embalmers wrapped their dead in such a way. I just accepted it as a fact. I could understand desiccating the body for preservation reasons and I can understand a golden sarcophagus, but why wrap them up in such a way? Because the dead body was metamorphosing into something new. Such a simple and elegant concept! I’ve been thinking and thinking about this one since last Friday night. It’s become an obsession of mine. I did loads of Internet research, but didn’t come up with much, which frustrated me. I’ll just have to do more research myself in the future! Maybe if I ever go to school for Egyptology like I dream of doing, I can do a project on this hypothesis. My concept of mummification is forever changed, though. My horizons are expanded.

In London For Pride:


Jessica and I are going to be in London from the 22nd of June to the 29th, which just happens to be Pride week in that massive city. I could not be more thrilled! There is nothing better than a giant crowd of LGBTQI and all the rest, especially drag queens! Drag queens are everything to me! In another life, I would be the best drag queen to ever walk the earth. Who knows, it may happen still. I’ve already figured out my act. It’s going to be such fun to see the parade and the festivities. I’ve already started planning my outfit, but I need to lose about ten pounds first so that I look adorable in a Union Jack speedo. I’ve seen pictures of Pride, I know the dress code! My sister and mother were in Paris one year during Pride and I always laugh at their pictures from then. So much leather! I’ve never seen the appeal of wearing a leather outfit, seems rather hot and restrictive. I won’t knock it until I try it. This summer in West Hollywood, I looked into a fetish shop out of curiosity. It didn’t make sense to me to wear a chain mail outfit, either, but I’m not one to judge. Enjoy what you enjoy. I’ll certainly enjoy my time at the Pride parade. Who knows, it might be even more fun than the Royal Wedding?

The GLORIOUS Weather:

photo[The snow bank next to my chaise lounge kept my cocktail nice and chilled.]

Today, I had an appointment at the dentist to see what needed to be done with my wisdom teeth. It’s very annoying to suddenly have a new tooth in my face. It doesn’t hurt anymore, but it obviously needed tending to. If it moves much more, it’ll get pulled out. When I got back home this afternoon, I was alarmed at how glorious the weather was. I had heard that it was going to be warm, but after an endless winter, I was unprepared for how amazing sixty degree weather could be. I immediately made plans for a late lunch on my boardwalk, which was absolutely divine. The sun shone down upon me and my Indian food and my issue of Martha Stewart Living and my iPhone playing some beautiful Eartha Kitt music. It was easily one of the best moments of my year so far. I grew a bit warm in jeans, so I changed to flip flops and shorts and a short sleeved shirt. Oh that was fabulous. I couldn’t let the day go to waste, so I squished my way through the melting snow to my chaise lounge in the vineyard. I’m currently sipping a rum and coke in my speedo. This is heaven. This is perfection. This is all I ever want out of life. It’s kind of crazy that I let myself go through the misery of winter every year when it’s so detrimental to my mental health. I need to remind myself of this more often so that I get my ass out of here. But for now, I’m going to keep tanning.

“Blood on the Dance Floor” by Michael Jackson:


Michael Jackson will always and forever be one of my favorite artists. It’s a trendy thing now to like him, but I always have. I remember buying all of his albums at the Half-Price Bookstore when I was in middle school and being ridiculed for listening to an alleged pedophile. I never believed in that nonsense, and I’ve never been bothered by what people think of me. Needless to say, I do get rather irritated when people who were once so disrespectful of him become such ardent admirers. Very hypocritical. I haven’t listened to his albums for some time, so last night I decided to revisit one of my favorites, Blood on the Dance Floor, as I was painting in my gym. I was blown away again by what an exceptional album that is; it’s easily one of my favorites. It probably is my favorite. The music is darker and edgier and has an almost filthy edge to it that I think is wonderfully atmospheric. Most of the album is composed of remixes, but the first five tracks are new material and amazing. They’re haunting, really. “Ghosts,” “Is It Scary?, “Blood on the Dancefloor,” and “Morphine,” are all richly unsettling and. They’re flawless. “Superfly Sister” is kind of a weird one off track that’s more fun. They’re all great songs, the album is flawless. Download it today.

Coursera Class:


I’ve decided to go to college at some point. I put it off for years because it wasn’t something I believe is honest or fair, and I still don’t, but I do want to do things that require a degree, so I don’t have much of a choice. To see what I think of online learning, I decided to take a free archaeology course from Brown University. So far, I’ve enjoyed myself tremendously. I started the class about two weeks late, so I’ve had to rush through the first two units, but now that I’m caught up, I’ll be able to stay on target better — except I’ll be in New York for the next unit. Who knew I was so busy? I like the format of these classes — it’s nice to be able to listen to lectures in bed or over dinner, I like taking an online quiz and seeing instantaneous results, I like being instructed by different teachers and students (like the dreamy cuneiform expert — swoon worthy, for real). It’s fun. I think I’d be a good online student because I don’t have any interest in actually going to a physical school — that was never for me. I like being on the Internet because I communicate best through the keyboard. I’m a better writer than speaker. It’s nice to have something to think about, so I’m enjoying myself. (An interesting part of these free online courses is that the students critique each other’s work. This makes sense as an actual professor would never have the time to do their own work in addition to hundreds of assignment critiques. Here, though, I found strong evidence of one of the annoying facts of my life. I’m really smart. I’m knowledgeable on a ridiculous number of topics because I am intrigued and interested in nearly everything. Because of this, I have a hard time being fair to other people. It’s a character flaw, I understand that, but I’m really in no mind to change. The work I critiqued was often laughably poor. I don’t mean to be a bitch — how could I ever be with such a cute face? — but I felt an irritating sense of superiority over my classmates. I feel that this is going to be the case when I finally seek higher education and that worries me.)

Karl Lagerfeld Emoticons:


Months ago, Karl Lagerfeld’s beautiful cat, Choupette, tweeted (yes, the cat has a twitter account, you shouldn’t be surprised, she has her own iPad, too) that her daddy was releasing a line of emoji inspired by himself and his beloved feline companion. The app was finally released and I think I might have been the first person to download it — I was on top of the game. And let me tell you, it was well worth the wait. Now, instead of showing a weeping kitten when I can’t go out to eat, I can use a crying Choupette. Instead of a devil, I can use a Karl Lagerfeld face with horns. Instead of writing out the word Paris, I simply use the Eiffel Tower image that comes in the app. It’s divine. It’s flawless. It’s gorgeous. You should never ever use any other emoticons in your life. Honestly, though, why would you want to?

“Peabody & Mr. Sherman”:

For next year’s Academy Awards, I want to be au courant with all the nominees, so I’ve been to a lot of movies this year — like the wonderfully bad Pompeii. (Not that it’s going to win any Oscars…aside from a couple Best Ab nominations.) Last night, I went to see Peabody & Mr. Sherman and I think it was absolutely fantastic. It’s a film made for children, but in that wonderful way that nods at adult humor. I squealed with laughter for the entire hour and a half. The plot is about Mr. Peabody, a genius dog who adopts a human son, Sherman. When Sherman bites another student, who called him a dog, a bossy bitch gets involved in a moral legal battle. For some reason, she thinks it wrong for dogs to have human children. Maybe in real life, but not in a cartoon! In the cartoon, there is no better father in the world than Mr. Peabody. He has a fascinating time machine and takes his son through history so that he can be better educated. It’s a simplistic movie with a characteristic happy ending, but that didn’t mar my enjoyment of it whatsoever, I loved it.


Lindsay Series:


I had been so looking forward to this Oprah powered documentary series, but it was just a massive steaming pile of crap. It was absolutely terrible and I will obviously be watching it every week, but it won’t stop my complaints because there will be many. The premiere was all about Lindsay looking for a new apartment in New York and acclimating to her new environment. The hour passed slowly and I think every viewer wanted to slap Lindsay by the end of it. All she does is complain and whine. She takes no accountability for her life. She seems to loathe her celebrity, yet she insists on keeping up with a celebrity lifestyle. This is something that drives me absolutely mad about many famous people. It seems all they do is whine and shout about how they have no privacy and how their lives don’t belong to them. This is crap. Your life is always your own and if the negatives of your star power outweighs the positive aspects, get out. Stop. Go find a new career. But they never do. They aren’t respectful of their position. Joan Rivers often rants about this and I think it’s a message more celebrities need to hear. THEY ARE LUCKY AND PRIVILEGED AND THEY NEED TO ACT AS IF THEY ARE AWARE OF THIS. I was endlessly frustrated by the sluggish pace of the documentary and Lindsay constantly freaking out about being “tricked.” She does not act like the professional she wants us to think she is. Later in the episode she was shooting a lingerie commercial, and when she finds out that she has to say some lines, she absolutely loses her shit. It’s embarrassing. I was embarrassed for her. It was such a train wreck. I had hopes, but they were in vain.

Not Being A Morning Person:


Someday, I would love to be the kind of person who wakes up in the morning with a smile and hurries to the gym. I’d have a nice breakfast and a cup of tea and then I’d happily be out the door to work. I’ve tried so many times to make this happen, but it’s just not possible for me at this point in my life. I was getting up at three o’clock in the morning for awhile, but I soon gave that up. Going to bed at nine was not for me. Instead, I hit snooze for an entire hour and give myself about thirty minutes to wake up, make an espresso, get dressed, do my hair, and get to work. It’s not a smart system and I’m no fan of it. Edna tried to wake me up this morning by attacking my ass with his dagger-like teeth, but I just brushed him off and continued dozing. I was perfectly awake at 6:30, I don’t know why I didn’t get up, but I just couldn’t be bothered. I was warm and cozy. I must keep trying, I suppose, if I ever want to be like Martha Stewart. That’s all I want, really.

A Return To My Seasonal Depression:


After Monday’s glorious weather, when I bathed in sunlight, I felt energized for about two days. I hypothesized why this might be and I assume it’s because my entire body was basically completely exposed to sunshine (speedos are Beysus’ gift to mankind) and I produced a wonderful amount of Vitamin D. Vitamin D makes me a pleasant person. Over the next two days, I wasn’t tired, I was in a great mood, I didn’t nap, I destroyed my to-do list, I had a great time. I was in love with life again! But then, the weather returned to its more usual patterns of cold and wind and precipitation and after my body finished processing the vitamins, I returned to being gloomy and melancholy. It’s just dreadful, reader. If you don’t suffer the same, I can’t even think of the words to describe the misery of it all. I can’t wait for the spring and the glorious sunshine of summer. It’s necessary to my continued happiness.

Mentally Packing for NYC:


This isn’t something I hate, really, rather it’s just a challenge. I don’t mind a challenge. I leave on Sunday morning for New York and I want to take nothing more than a backpack. In that, I’ll need my technology, a few outfits, some toiletries, and a few other necessities. I’ve managed this before, I’m sure I’ll have no trouble doing it. The struggle really, I guess, is trying to pick out my outfits! I love picking out outfits. I should be a Hollywood stylist…except, I’m not really a big fan of LA. I suppose, though, that if I were a stylist to the stars, I’d have a bit more fun there. Celebrities are royalty in LA, so, working with them would certainly be more fun than just being an everyday person trying to make it in the big, dirty city. Anyway, what is the look in New York? What combinations can I take with me to fit in and look my best in every situation and find a rich husband? If I want to go to a fine restaurant, what will I take to wear? If I want to wait for standby tickets to see my beloved Wendy Williams, what will I take to wear? WHAT WILL I WEAR? Obviously, I’ll take my black jeans. Do I take my oxblood jeans? WHAT SHOES DO I WEAR? Are boots acceptable in all environs? Should I wear a denim coat or a heavy cardigan? This struggle is real, dear reader. I’ll be taking a million selfies. I must look adorable. I’m off to pack.

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