Things I Hate/Love This Week #1

I was very inspired when I was reading Joan River’s new book, I Hate Everyone…Starting With Me. Hilarious book. Buy it. Devour it. Great jokes about Anne Frank and celebrities and offensive stereotypes. I adored it. Anyway, I thought that I should start keeping track of all the things that I hate. I thought that I should keep it a bit more upbeat, too, and decided to write about the things that I love. I plan on doing one of these a week. I probably will never keep up with it, but at least I finished this one.

Love:

fleur de sel: I bought a bag of this delicious salt at G. Detou in Paris last year. I promptly forgot all about it until I rediscovered it deep in one of my cupboards. The flavor is much brinier than regular salt. I haven’t used table salt in years, don’t think I’m a gastronomic fool, I use uniodized sea salt. I think I’ll switch to all fleur de sel, though. It’s much more elegant and delicious. Or it could be my imagination, but I enjoy it.

hairspray: I spent years of my life not using haircare products. These were wasted years. In recent years I have discovered pomade and hair gel. I’ve started using hairspray regularly and I love it. Yes, each squirt of spray probably releases enough enough chemicals to burn a quarter sized hole in the ozone layer and then kill a penguin… but I’m sure the penguin wants my hair to look good.

– Target chinos: I AM OBSESSED WITH THESE PANTS! They are a revolution for my lower body. I have a very difficult time finding pants that I really like. For the most part, they are way too roomy in the back and far too tight in the front. I enjoy wearing skinny jeans on occasion, but I do feel they put a bit too much of me on display. These pants are just right! I’ve bought four pairs this week alone. I plan on ordering the red ones if they don’t come into stock soon. They’re affordable, comfortable, and make me look fantastic. These ones are my favorite.

“Stormy Weather”: I wrote a blog post weeks ago about Judy Garland’s concert at Carnegie Hall. I love that album with a bizarre passion, I sing it nearly every day. And, of all the songs, this is my favorite:

It’s just so beautiful! When her voice cracks with sorrow as she sings, “Everything I had is gone,” I swoon with a sob. I love singing it. When I’m on the treadmill, I belt this one out. It’s my new go-to karaoke jam. And when I finally record my album (we all do one day) this will surely be on it.

– huevos rancheros: I’ve known about huevos rancheros ever since an episode of Will & Grace where Jack fantasized about a brunch with Cher:

I love the Internet. Anyway, I’d sworn off Mexican food for the most part because there are animal products in everything. But Jessica and I wanted to get slizzered on margaritas and pina coladas, so I scoured the menu for something new. I saw this egg dish listed and decided to order it. What a revelation! They’re marvelous! Soft cooked eggs topped with salsa served with rice and beans. J’adore! I will be eating so many of these!

– Apple’s iCloud: It’s so simple. I just love it. My documents live in the “cloud,” whatever it is. Servers in the sky? I don’t care to know, really, I prefer to think of it as chic angels in well fitted tshirts flitting around carrying data from one device to another. I can type on my iPad and then open up my work on my computer. It’s marvelous. I love living in the future.

– the word “woebegone”: English can be a beautiful language sometimes. It isn’t often, but once in a while you stumble across a word as wondrous and musical as this one. It means: sad or miserable in appearance. Isn’t that perfect?

Hate:

trying to understand how the oceans developed: Don’t you just hate spending time pondering things that are way beyond you mentally? I’m a smart fellow, but when it comes to things like this, I feel awfully stupid. One day I was wondering about the oceans. I can understand how water developed, though I struggle to imagine it. What I can’t understand is where the deep, deep, unthinkably deep oceans came from? Why do we have giant landmasses shooting up to form the continents? What is the point? Imagine how the Earth would look if it were drained of all it’s water. I tried to find a picture of it, but was unsuccessful. One of my favorite theories is that giant asteroids and meteorites pummelled the Earth and blew huge chunks of rock into space. These rocks, over millions of years fused together to form the moon. I don’t know if this is true, but I like the idea.

– the cold: Enough said. #totesbrrrrr

– the color purple: I’ve never seen the Oprah Winfrey movie, I’d probably like that, but I really can’t stand the color purple. I don’t know why. I don’t look good in purple. I don’t like purple walls. I don’t like anything purple. I do like lilac flowers, but they have bits of pink and white. Purple is the color of royalty, and since I firmly believe I am truly the illegitimate son of Prince Rainier, I should love the color based on genetics. But, alas, I don’t. Once the DNA tests are in, though, I don’t care what color my crown is as long as I have one. Prince Benjamin…King Benjamin. The people will adore me!

– Michelle Bachmann: This bitch hasn’t done anything new lately, but I’m still full of loathing for her. She’s just such a total nincompoop. I love hating her. She stands for everything I’m opposed to in society. She’s the poster child of ignorance and prejudice. She’s also great for a laugh. It’s fun to laugh at people so ill equipped for their jobs. I shouldn’t be so mean, I suppose. I’m sure she had good ideas and good goals and wanted to do the best for her constituents, but something happened and she goes out of her way to hurt people. Literally. The woman actually elbowed me. That’s true. I’ll never forgive her.

60s cinema: This must have been a horrible time to be alive. The movies were horrid, the fashion was an eyesore, the Beatles were everywhere, hippies had unwashed hair, the scent of marijuana lingered heavy on the air, people forgot all about personal grooming, cinema was convoluted and abstract. I think that directors went out of their way to confuse their audiences. I’ve learned to avoid pictures made in this era because they’re always a disappointment.

candy corn: This is just gross. I had my first piece today. It was chewy and stuck to my teeth. Didn’t even taste good. I don’t actually like candy, so this was no real surprise.

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