The Christmas season is again upon us. I love Christmas. I love Hanukkah. I love Kwanzaa. I don’t give a crap for the supposed birth of Jesus or everlasting oil or whatever Kwanza is about–I like gifts. I love getting things. Nothing is better than a gift–and there is no better or more simple gift than cash. Sadly, though, cash, for reasons that are incomprehensible to me, is seen to be an easy, cheap gift. No, darlings, no. Cash is always good and always acceptable. Cash is in good taste. Cash is always chic, always in vogue.

But, I understand if you don’t want to give me cash. I like opening a box as much as I like opening an envelope. To lighten the burden of shopping for me, I have compiled the following list. It’s more than a suggestion. It’s a recommendation.

1. Belt with an anchor buckle:

I don’t know where you’re going to get it. I don’t know who makes it. I don’t know how much it costs. All I do know is that I need it. Plus, stocking stuffer–hello!?

2. Blowtorch:

I have been needing a blowtorch for years. I need it to caramelize lemon meringue tarts. I need it to melt metal when I’m doing one of my endless projects. I need it to chicly light candles. I need it for my own amusement. I’ll happily take a kitchen torch like the one seen above, but I’d rather have an industrial strength one. Those tarts will be gorgeously browned in an instant!

3. Grace by Grace Coddington

You all know how I’m a fashionista bitch, right? Of course you do. I need this book. I could buy it for myself, but that would deny you the pleasure of treating me to a delightful unwrapping. Grace is amazing. She is the creative director of Vogue and the fashion spreads she oversees are stunning. STUNNING! I adore her.

4. A fireplace

Much like the Olsen twin I will someday be best friends with, I’m always so cold.

All my rooms have heaters to make sure that they are in a comfortable range for human habitation. For me that’s around 75-80 degrees. People say that’s too hot. Other people are dumb. I’ve never had a fireplace. Well, that’s a lie, I lived in an apartment with a nonfunctional fireplace, so saying never isn’t exactly true, but I’ve never ever had the convenience of a fireplace. They just look so elegant and comfortable and romantic and warm and wonderful. I’d curl up next to the fireplace and feel my blood begin to circulate again. I’d prefer a real fireplace with actual fire to one of those faux things with faux fire. They aren’t elegant and they look cheap. I don’t want one of those Amish radiators, either, cause, you know, Amish. I don’t do Amish. I want something that has the potential to burn the house down. I also want it built into the wall. Something lovely with moulding around it, a white Carrera marble top, and a brick interior laid in a herringbone pattern. See, shopping is easy when I tell you exactly what to buy!

5. Absolutely Fabulous styled Russian Dolls

http://www.shop-pygmyhippo.com/product/absolutely-fabulous-matryoshka-dolls

Admittedly, I have no actual use for these, but they bring joy to my existence. Look at Patsy! With a cig and a bottle of Bolly. We are soul mates. I will proudly display these on the Carrera marble mantle of my new fireplace. Each time I pass by, I will smirk with glee. I love them. I need them. They must be mine. Make my holiday dreams come true!

6. Backdrop Cloth

I don’t know if this is the actual term for what I want. When you google it, you find them, so I’m guessing it works. I love photography and I love taking pictures of myself. I’m not vain. (Yes I am.) I just often have a desire to photograph myself or my fashion or other things. I have a white wall that I use, but that’s rather limiting. I want to have swatches of black and grey and all sorts of colors to model in front of. It would be so chic.

7. Indoor Garden

I love cooking and I hate buying herbs. In the summer this is no big deal because I have lots of herbs growing. But, once the cold comes, most of them die, and then once the frost hits, I don’t have any more herbs. Sad. So, I need something to provide me with the thyme and basil and chives that I crave. I just can’t make myself buy them. I have no problem spending money, but this one irks me. Basil is so cheap to grow and you can’t kill it. It’s prolific! I need thyme all the time, but I don’t want woody leaves from the grocery store, I want it to be tender and fresh. And nothing is worse than dried chives on top of a delicious poached egg, especially after you’ve known the gastronomic delight of freshly cut chives. I used to have an Aerogarden, I’ve had two, actually, but they’ve both crapped out on me. I did get a ton of herbs out of them, so I’m not bothered, really, but I don’t think they’re meant to last long. Gorgeous machines, though. I recently stumbled across a new indoor gardening system called Click & Grow and I need to try it out. It’s so chic, like an Apple designed garden!

I’ll take basil, thyme, tomatoes, and cockscomb. Thank you very much.

http://www.clickandgrow.com

8. LASIK Eye Surgery

I’ve been blind for so long. It’s one of the great tragedies and annoyances of my life. This and the bitches who stole my Palazzo. I will never stop hating them. I also hate my eyes. I don’t like being of such poor vision. I recently bought glasses from Warby Parker and had to pay $30 extra for lenses that weren’t behemoths. I just want to see. I wear contacts, but I can’t wear them all the time. I want to wake up in the morning and just lay there looking out the window, watching the tree branches sway. I don’t want to fumble around for my glasses. I don’t like putting my contacts in and I hate taking them out–they don’t come out. It takes me about five minutes per eye to get them out. They’re some special lens. They terrify me a bit. So, please buy me surgery and let them fix my eyes. I’ll be so happy. I’ll probably cry joyfully for weeks. (Years, really.)

9. A Nice Espresso Machine

I have come to love espresso. I don’t use it for energy or anything, caffeine seems to not have the usual effect on me. Instead, espresso puts me in a wonderfully happy mood. I’m sure the caffeine has something to do with this, but what that is–I don’t know. I just know that the mornings I don’t have time to brew one, I’m not nearly as cheery as the ones when I do. I’ve had three espresso machines now, all of them good, but I’ve never had a nice one. I started with a stovetop brewer–one of those traditional Italian ones, but that didn’t make the drink I really wanted, so I moved on to a Nespresso machine. I loved and still do love my Le Cube, but the price per shot is ridiculous when compared to doing it yourself. Besides, I didn’t like that the pods were making so much trash. I try to be as conscious as I can of my impact on the environment. My latest machine was a manual one where I had to tamp and measure and everything. Loved it, but something happened to it. There isn’t any pressure anymore and the water won’t go through the grinds. Sadly, I’ve had to trash the machine and move back to my Nespresso while I wait to find the perfect automatic machine. I want one that grinds the beans for me and makes the shot for me. I don’t want to have to do anything but put water and beans in it. That sounds so luxurious to me. This one, pictured above, is the one I’m thinking about. I have a credit card now, I just need to buy it. But do you want to buy it for me instead?

10. iMac

Apple’s new iMac gets me excited in an almost disturbing way. It’s the sexiest computer I’ve ever seen. I never thought I would want a desktop computer, but I’m coming to realize that it is exactly what I need. I have a perfectly fine, if slow, laptop that I use all the time. It hasn’t done my any wrong and I really don’t need to upgrade it. That’s the great thing about using Macs. These things last forever! I also have a great iPad that I use more than the laptop. I’m not ready to use the iPad as my main device, but it has taken over a lot of the tasks I used to do on the laptop. I want a machine with a big screen and some power for editing pictures and videos and for typing. I used to think I was a power user, but I’m not. I browse the Internet, type my fingers off, and touch up pictures. I don’t need anything super special. I think this would be the perfect solution for me. It is speedy, has a gorgeous screen, is lustfully skinny, and has a huge hard drive that comes standard. It doesn’t come with a discslot, but that’s a bonus to me. I effing hate discs! Maybe I’ll use my credit card for this? Or, no? Will you buy it for me?

11. Indochino Suits

I love this company. They make the chicest, most affordable, most beautiful suits. You remember how in love I am with my blazer, right? If not, look at the blog post I did on Indochino. I need to buy a suit. I don’t have anywhere to go in my suit, but I need to have it to strut around in. They recently started selling a burgundy suit and you know I love me some burgundy. I’d call it cranberry, but it’s their shop. I’ve wanted one ever since Zac Efron wore that gorgeous, shiny, burgundy suit to a movie premiere. I’ll take this one, please. Or the gorgeous three-piece Prince of Wales suit. I love grey, too. I love looking fancy.

12. Potted Citrus Grove

I love citrus! I use it every day. Grapefruit is my favorite food. I put lemons in most everything. I drink orange juice each morning and each afternoon and each evening and in between. I love it! But, I have to buy all these fruits, I can’t go pluck them off of a tree like the lucky people can in the South. I have a lemon tree in my bedroom, but it hates me. It had four little lemons growing on it, but they all fell off to spite me. I don’t know why it hates me so much when I give it everything it wants. I don’t overwater, I fertilize correctly, I give it plenty of sun and a warm room. Whatever. I’d love to have mature lemon, orange, lime, grapefruit, and Meyer lemon trees in nice pots that I could set out in the summer and bring in for the winter. I’d die happily with each sweet grapefruit I pick.

Anyway, there are twelve great ideas for me. (See what I did there? Twelve gifts? Twelve days of Christmas!) They are in no particular order, so feel free to get any of them for me.

I love you!

Happy holidays.