Day 5: Paris

I had strange dreams last night, all of them fashion related. I assume it has something to do with walking along the Rue Saint-Honoré last night. First I dreamt that Karl designed his couture in a garage in the middle of nowhere. It was like a farm that was a tourist destination because there were always groups of people mingling and taking pictures. I lived there and worked there, but had nothing to do with Karl. When I finally saw him, I asked him if I could take a picture with him. He said no. It was rude. Later on, I found a strange white kitten that had a face that was not at all like a kitten, almost like a fluffy dinosaur. It seemed quite wild, but it allowed me to hold it and soon became tame. He got along well with the other kitten I had in the dream, which looked like a fluffier version of my beloved Dame Vladimir who recently died. My new white kitten disappeared and I couldn’t find her anywhere, so I searched and searched and saw her through the windows of Karl’s couture studio. He stole my kitten. It wasn’t nice, he already has Choupette. I was very upset with Karl.

Later on, I dreamt that Jessica and I were sitting at a cafe opposite of the L’église Saint-Paul-Saint-Louis and people were flocking to it. I saw André Leon Talley go in and I started yelling “Dreckitude!” He would turn and look to see who said it, but never saw me. We knew each other in the dream. Wouldn’t that be marvelous if it were true when I was awake, too?

I woke late today and had a chilly shower, the hot water heater is not at all large, which is a real annoyance. I don’t do cold. We all know that. Strangers on the street know this. Miraculously, there was a very nice hair dryer in the apartment and I was able to style my hair into a beautiful pompadour. I’ve missed my styled hair. I was looking good and feeling gorgeous. MANDATORY DANCE PARTY:

I decided to take myself back down to Miss Manon and get some pastries and bread. After a year of withdrawal, it was time to treat myself. The doors were open and I happily walked in and looked at all the beautiful pastries. Reasonable priced and freaking delicious. I ordered the Osiris cake, which they have redesigned in the past year. It’s a wonderful commingling of raspberry jam, chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, and fresh raspberries. It’s a triumph of baking. I wouldn’t even dare make my own, I would never achieve such a masterpiece. I ordered a lemon tart for Jessica and finally had my own baguette aux pavots! That bread is like a drug. It’s unreasonably good. I love poppyseed. Have I mentioned that, yet? The only sad part of this wonderful homecoming was my old woman wasn’t there. There is a grumpy woman who is always there. She corrects my French and winks at me. I adore her. I hoped that she hadn’t died or something like that.

I walked by the church that I had dreamt about earlier and was delighted to see the results of the restoration that I had heard about last year. The building gleams now. It’s stunning.

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This is right by our apartment and is an important location in my favorite film Les Aventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec.

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My breakfast was delicious. Peanuts, cheese, baguette, Oasis, and my Osiris cake. I’m going to be so fat. After I finished eating, the rental agency called saying that they were finding another solution for our Internet woes and that we should have Internet sometime that day. We had better.

Jessica wanted to go to the Bastille area for some reason. I’m not sure why, but we went. I looked at everybody’s shoes in the area. I think I’m the only person that wore colored shoes in the entire town. I love my dandelion yellow shoes. They got a lot of looks, admiring looks I think, looks saying “he’s so brave to break the fashion mold!” I like assimilating when I travel, it is one of my great pleasures, but when it comes to my style, I refuse to blend in. I’m going to color block my way to the grave.

We went to the bakery near my older apartment on the rue Saint-Sabin because Ma and Jess are obsessed with the tarts there. They are particularly good. The cream is just different from anywhere else. I’m not a big fan of this bakery, but whatever. I ordered something that looked like a merveilleux, and it was. I guess they’re more popular now after the great success of Aux Merveilleux de Fred. Unfortunately, this one was cloyingly sweet and I couldn’t finish it.

At the grocery store there was a machine that made espresso. It cost a euro. I couldn’t figure it out to save the life of me. I pushed buttons and buttons and buttons. I shoved my coin in a hundred times, but nothing. Whatever. Right after me, a woman walked up, pushed two buttons, stuck a coin in and bam, coffee. The hell? I tried again. Still nothing. Pissed, I marched to Starbucks and had my espresso there. I was annoyed that there wasn’t a line, so they didn’t ask for my name. I had picked out Nicholas for today. Back to the machine–why didn’t it have any instructions? This still bothers me. I’ve since figured it out, but I feel bad for all the other people who are going to look like idiots.

Jessica wanted to go to the American bookstore that we lived on top of last year, so we did that. It was closed. Hilarious. Good news, though, when we walked by Miss Manon, the old woman was back. She wasn’t dead! I had decided that today we would climb to the top of Notre Dame, which I’ve been meaning to do for years. Jessica wasn’t in the mood for that, so it was just Ma and myself.

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The line moved much quicker than I expected and we were soon climbing the winding steps that led up to the top of the church. It didn’t take long at all and we were presented with a stunning look of the city. You could clearly see the Eiffel Tower and Sacre Coeur and other monuments around the city. It was spectacular, really. I highly recommend going up there and getting a closer look at the gargoyles. They’re gorgeous and intricate. I thought we were done climbing, but we could go up even higher. The view just became better. It was really almost too pretty. It was a bit of a grey day, so I can imagine how stunning it would be in the sunshine.

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The climb down was quick and I marveled at my legs. Jose was right. I do have freakishly strong legs. They weren’t worn out or anything and that was 800 or more steps. He whined like a little bitch on our 50-mile bicycle ride and I wasn’t even bothered. I can also run forever. Maybe I should be in the Olympics?

We wandered over to the Marché aux Fleurs… MANDATORY EARTHA KITT APPRECIATION MOMENT

…to look at the plants and buy postcards. I love this place, it is filled with the friendliest people in all of Paris. Plants really do something for character quality. There were lemon trees begging to be harvested and herbs and flowers and greens of all kinds. Dried herbs hung from the ceilings and the most charming postcards were for sale. I bought a few to send off. I had a marvelous time.

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To continue having a marvelous time, we got off the island and went to another bakery. How many is that so far? Don’t count. I’ll be ashamed. Or proud. I’m not sure. It is next to an exterminator’s shop with taxidermy rats dancing in the window. Charming place. I had a raspberry and chocolate mousse and Ma had a tart.

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The mousse was really good. I saw another one of those awful espresso machines and I was determined to succeed. Sadly, I was a failure. This time, though, the woman at the counter helped me. You have to buy a coffee coin from her. OH! So you push the buttons and insert the special coin and your coffee is brewed. Fabulous.

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We headed back to the apartment to find the Internet beginning to work. It was awfully slow, but it was working a bit, which was nice. I could finally read the emails that have been piling up during my absence.

Even though Jessica and I were treated awfully the previous time we went there, we decided to go to Iolanda’s again because it is truly our favorite restaurant in the city. It’s Italian, but who said you have to eat French food when you’re in France? I make French food at home. I was worried, but we had a marvelous time. Everybody there was kind and they were gushing over our gadgets. Mother demoed her iPad, I gave my opinions on my cell phone. They refilled our carafe of water. They didn’t make fun of us. They gave us just enough attention. I was delighted. We left there happily before Ma made a fool of us all. She loved a waiter we always had before when she came here and he’s since moved away. She has a picture with him and had them explain where he went. Jess and I were long gone while this was happening, though.

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We wandered over to the Eiffel Tower, since it’s there, and had a photo shoot as it was sparkling. It’s really quite beautiful when that happens. There’s always cotton candy for sale here, too, and if you know Jessica, you know that she loves her cotton candy, so she had to have a stick of it which was bigger than her torso. I think cotton candy is gross. We mingled for a bit then headed back to the apartment where I fell into my bed.

I saw this bag along the way. Needs it.

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Good evening.

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